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Love is only "bad" when it's really just oneitis or NRE mistaken for love. Oneitis is not love. NRE is also not love (though it really does feel like it and I do understand why people often mistake NRE for love). True love can exist between two people in a nonmonogamous relationship. The easiest example of this is there are literally millions of relationships and marriages out there where the man and woman truly love each other, are devoted to each other, but one of them fucks other people and the other one stays anyway (or they themselves are getting a little on the side as well).
-By Caleb Jones
What about love?
Don't you want someone to care about you?
What about love?
Don't let it slip away.
What about love?
I only want to share it with you.
You might need it someday.
Like Heart back in the 80's singing that sappy song, the question of "What about love?" occasionally arises.
"Pickup is fun, but eventually you'll want something more."
"Dude! How can you be in love when you're in relationships with four different chicks???"
"If fucking multiple women is the only thing that 'works' how do you love one special person?"
"Blackdragon are you saying guys who fall in love are AFC pussies? That's bullshit!"
...and my favorite which is of course, "Real love can't exist without monogamy."
(Warning: I"m going to be using a lot of my terms in this post. Be sure to refer to the Glossary tab at the top of this blog if you are at all hazy on any term I use, or you will not understand what I'm trying to convey here.)
First we need to identify what love is and what it isn't. Then we can talk about how to integrate it into a nonmonogamous lifestyle.
Regarding love itself:
Love is good.
Tolerated cheating is of course the worst type of nonmonogamy there is, but it's extremely common. In all likelihood you already know people who are in a marriage or relationship like this, even if you don't realize it. To say nothing of marriages that are swinger marriages or discreet Gene Simmons-style open marriages. And to say nothing of people in OLTRs, both those that live together and those that don't.
True love takes time to manifest. People who sing about how they're "in love!" with some person they just met two months ago are not in love, they're in NRE. There is no way I (or anyone else) can definitively say how long it takes to fall in real love, but my guess would be about six months of consistent and frequent dating would be an absolute minimum. Likely it's longer than that.
Note that rules out most NRE honeymoon period relationships as well as long-distance relationships where you barely ever see your partner. So if you think you're in love and it's been less than about six months, you're not in love, at least not in my opinion. NRE? Yes. Infatuated? Yes. Oneitis? Possibly. Feeling like you've finally found The One™ or the Woman of Your Dreams™? Yes. But in LOVE? No. Or at least, not yet.
Can you love more than one person at a time?
My answer is no. For damn near 99% of the population, me included, it is impossible to truly be in love with more than one person at the same time, even guys like me who are experienced at having multiple, simultaneous, romantic and/or sexual relationships. I've actually purposely tried to love two women at once. It didn't happen. I still could only love one.
THAT BEING SAID: You can love one person and be massively attracted/infatuated/twitterpated for a second person at the same time. That's easy. You can love one woman and have raging NRE for a second woman. I've certainly done that (more than once), and I know many other guys (and gals!) who have experienced the same. But again, NRE isn't love.
Also, there are some rare, unusual mutant people out there who really can love more than one person at a time. These people are very, very rare...I'd say they're less than 3% of the population. Likely you're not one of them. Again, I certainly am not and that's saying a lot, since I'm very black-and-white, highly rational, extreme INTJ who controls and compartmentalizes my emotions far more than the average man. You'd think it would be easier for me. Nope. It's still not possible. Love is love, and as the Highlander says, "There can be only one."
Don't you want someone to care about you?
What about love?
Don't let it slip away.
What about love?
I only want to share it with you.
You might need it someday.
Like Heart back in the 80's singing that sappy song, the question of "What about love?" occasionally arises.
"Pickup is fun, but eventually you'll want something more."
"Dude! How can you be in love when you're in relationships with four different chicks???"
"If fucking multiple women is the only thing that 'works' how do you love one special person?"
"Blackdragon are you saying guys who fall in love are AFC pussies? That's bullshit!"
...and my favorite which is of course, "Real love can't exist without monogamy."
(Warning: I"m going to be using a lot of my terms in this post. Be sure to refer to the Glossary tab at the top of this blog if you are at all hazy on any term I use, or you will not understand what I'm trying to convey here.)
First we need to identify what love is and what it isn't. Then we can talk about how to integrate it into a nonmonogamous lifestyle.
Regarding love itself:
Love is good.
Tolerated cheating is of course the worst type of nonmonogamy there is, but it's extremely common. In all likelihood you already know people who are in a marriage or relationship like this, even if you don't realize it. To say nothing of marriages that are swinger marriages or discreet Gene Simmons-style open marriages. And to say nothing of people in OLTRs, both those that live together and those that don't.
True love takes time to manifest. People who sing about how they're "in love!" with some person they just met two months ago are not in love, they're in NRE. There is no way I (or anyone else) can definitively say how long it takes to fall in real love, but my guess would be about six months of consistent and frequent dating would be an absolute minimum. Likely it's longer than that.
Note that rules out most NRE honeymoon period relationships as well as long-distance relationships where you barely ever see your partner. So if you think you're in love and it's been less than about six months, you're not in love, at least not in my opinion. NRE? Yes. Infatuated? Yes. Oneitis? Possibly. Feeling like you've finally found The One™ or the Woman of Your Dreams™? Yes. But in LOVE? No. Or at least, not yet.
Can you love more than one person at a time?
My answer is no. For damn near 99% of the population, me included, it is impossible to truly be in love with more than one person at the same time, even guys like me who are experienced at having multiple, simultaneous, romantic and/or sexual relationships. I've actually purposely tried to love two women at once. It didn't happen. I still could only love one.
THAT BEING SAID: You can love one person and be massively attracted/infatuated/twitterpated for a second person at the same time. That's easy. You can love one woman and have raging NRE for a second woman. I've certainly done that (more than once), and I know many other guys (and gals!) who have experienced the same. But again, NRE isn't love.
Also, there are some rare, unusual mutant people out there who really can love more than one person at a time. These people are very, very rare...I'd say they're less than 3% of the population. Likely you're not one of them. Again, I certainly am not and that's saying a lot, since I'm very black-and-white, highly rational, extreme INTJ who controls and compartmentalizes my emotions far more than the average man. You'd think it would be easier for me. Nope. It's still not possible. Love is love, and as the Highlander says, "There can be only one."