A few weeks ago, I had the following exchange with a cute 19 year-old gal on Plenty of Fish. (Spelling and punctuation hers)
Me: <my standard opener>
Girl: Dude your a little old to be emailing me. Im 19
Me: No worries. I’m not worried about it if you’re not.
Girl: Its just weird a guy your age emailing someone my age
Girl (in a 2nd separate message): Your picture with the suit is kinda cute though
Exactly eight days later we were having sex. I’m 39. She’s now one of my regular FBs.
Did she really think I was too old for her?
Now if you think it’s because I’m really good-looking, think again. Even though I’ve lost some weight lately I’m still a good 40 pounds overweight at the moment. Also realize I had sent out about 120 openers to women her age in order to get her response, as well as a small handful of responses from other VYW (Very Young Women, women age 18 to 23), most of which went nowhere. (I’ll post about my recent online dating stats soon.)
Today I’ll cover the single biggest problem us older guys get when approaching VYW, either online or in real life, and that’s the “you’re too old for me” objection.
This is a big topic and I can’t cover it adequately in one little blog post. I do cover everything about older guys dating younger women right here. In this post, I’m just going to overview a point or two.
As I’ve talked about many times before, VYW fall into three categories. Type 1, which are gals disgusted at the thought of having sex with an older guy, Type 2, which are gals who are wildly attracted to much older men (provided they don’t act like creepers), and Type 3, gals who really don’t care about age and don’t care either way.
As an older man, you completely ignore Type 1s. Trying to fuck a Type 1 VYW as an older guy is a complete waste of your time. It’s not going to happen.
Type 2s are going to respond favorably to you, but cautiously. As long as you’re confident, gentle, and not creepy, you can lay these women. I do all the time and have for many years now.
Type 3s are layable, but more difficult. They may not mind the fact you’re 20 years older, but that reality is still usually out of their comfort zone and they understand that dating a guy their own age will be easier. If you’re at least 10 years older than they are, Type 3s are workable, but they really require you to be on your game.
The goal then is to identify which category a younger woman is in right up front, as fast as possible. Only then can her objections be placed into context. There are many ways to do this, but one way is by observing if her initial reaction to you is negative, reluctant, or positive.
Clearly Negative Reaction = Type 1
If her initial reaction to you is hostile or nice but clearly negative, she’s a Type 1. Examples would be:
“You seem like a nice guy but I would rather date someone my own age. Good luck in your search.”
“Dude WTF are you thinking??? You’re 20 years older than me! Gross!”
In both the above cases, she’s clearly telling you she’s a Type 1. That means you immediately delete her out of your brain forever and move on to other women.
Reluctant Reaction = Type 3
If her response is reluctant, she’s (likely) a type 3. She’s is interested in you, but sees the age difference and knows that’s something out of her normal experience. So she brings it up because it’s the easiest objection she can give you. The gal I had sex with above was a textbook Type 3. Examples usually look like this:
“Um…why would you be emaling a girl as young as me?”
“Aren’t you a little old for me?”
“Wow you’re almost as old as my dad.”
“You’re like 20 years older than me lol but I guess that’s okay.”
Notice in none of these examples is she telling you stop talking to her, nor is she doing an “Ew! Gross!” type thing. She’s not negative, she’s just reluctant, and reluctant we can work with. In your normal dating experience with women your own age you come across reluctant women all the time. Right? It’s just part of the program and not a big deal.
All you need to do is:
1. Don’t get defensive.
2. Don’t start doing the cheesy older man stuff, like “Hey I’m aged like fine wine baby” or “Us older guys know how to treat a lady” or whatever.
3. Make it clear to her that you don’t think it’s any big deal.
4. Display massive outcome independence (even if you have to fake it).
Positive Reaction = Type 2
If her response is positive, even cautiously positive, she’s a Type 2. I don’t need to give you specific examples because you know what positive looks like. If she engages you in conversation even though she clearly knows you’re way older than her, it’s game on.
In my online dating profile it clearly shows my age, so if a 18 or 19 year-old gal responds to my opener and is very positive, I know damn well she’s seen my age and doesn’t care (or is excited!). That means she’s a Type 2 and all I need to do now is navigate all the other obstacles I would with any other interested woman online (irrationality, disorganization, other men she might be fucking, etc).
Of course, whenever we generalize about human behavior there will always be exceptions to these rules. Sometimes you’ll get a full-on positive response from a Type 1 or Type 3, but that’s very rare. As always, I talk about what happens with most people, the majority of the time.
Notice in my example above how I didn’t freak out, didn’t try to prove myself, and didn’t get defensive or pissed off. I just made it clear I thought it was no big deal. Because guess what? IT ISN’T. As long as we’re talking about legal adults age 18 or over, this “age difference” stuff is just a bunch of bullshit societal programming (check the Glossary for that one) that doesn’t mean anything.
Stupidly, American culture is one of the most paranoid cultures about this issue…in most other cultures huge age differences between a man and woman are not only acceptable, but desirable for both genders. (Hell, I’ve even read several studies that show when men marry much younger women, divorce rates tend to be lower and marriages tend to be happier.)
So first, YOU need to calm down about this and stop treating it like some big deal or some huge impossible task. If you’re 45 years old and want to fuck an 18 year-old, god bless you and GO FOR IT. (Make sure to check her ID please.) Secondly, you need to convey to her that you aren’t concerned about the age difference thing, and demonstrate that it really isn’t any big deal. Because it’s not.
I can tell you for a fact that once you’re in a relationship with a woman, dating women age 18 or 21 is not that big a difference from dating a women who are 28 or 29. Yes, there are certainly differences between different age groups, but the overall experience once you’re in the relationship is largely the same. Same good stuff (sex, fun, feminine energy, etc) same bad stuff (demands, drama, Disney, etc, most of which can be eliminated if you just keep the relationship open).
Once you get that mindset embedded, type those Type 3s (and Type 2s) become much easier.