Six Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Compliment A Woman’s Appearance


first date advice, first online date, online dating advice, meaning of an open relationship, traits of an alpha male

I have given this first date advice many times and in many ways: Don’t compliment women’s appearance. 

No matter how tempted you are, no matter how hot she is, no matter how much you think she likes you, and no matter how smoothly or Alpha you think you can pull it off, don’t compliment a woman’s appearance prior to sex. If you’ve been having sex with her for six months, then fine. I’m talking about the dating and seduction phases.

Every time I give that dating advice, I get a bunch of guys giving me excuses about how it’s okay to do it as long as you don’t do it too much. Or too much like a beta. Or with an confident frame. Or something.

Excuses.

I will quote the above linked blog post about the proof that complimenting a woman’s appearance will reduce your odds of a lay:

If you don’t believe me, go sarge up 20 women, tell them how hot/beautiful they are before you fuck them.  Then sarge up a second 20, and don’t compliment their appearance at all.  You will find you will get better results (and more quickly) from the second group than from the first group.

Go do that experiment, and then come back and tell me it’s okay to tell women they’re hot as long as you do it “confidently” or whatever.

Heartiste recently made a blog post right here giving the exact same advice. Good. Nice to see others have figured this out.

A few quotes from his post:

Never compliment a girl on her looks, especially not a girl you aren’t fucking.

and

It will help you acquire the right frame of mind to stop using the words hot, cute, gorgeous, or beautiful to describe girls who turn you on.

He even repeats it:

As stated above, never compliment beautiful women on their looks

He goes on to give some tips on how to convey attraction without commenting on a woman’s looks. I’m going to reinforce why refraining from complimenting appearance will help you.

Here are the top six reasons:

1. You’re not telling her anything she doesn’t already know. Hot chicks are fully aware they’re hot by the time they’re about 15 years old. It’s not news to them. Telling a hot chick she’s hot is like telling her the sky is blue or that there’s oxygen in the air. It just makes you look “very normal”, if not a little dumb.

2. Hundreds, if not thousands of men have already told her this. If you tell her this too, you’re just adding yourself to the pile of all the other guys she’s politely brushed off. You are in no way unique.

3. It’s not a compliment. That’s right. Telling her she’s hot or sexy or beautiful or whatever is not giving her a compliment. It’s like walking up to a multimillionaire and saying “You have a lot of money.” Trust me, that millionaire will in no way feel complimented. He’ll just assume you’re awkward. And he’ll be right.

Now yes, because of Societal Programming, a hot chick will be obligated to say something back like “Oh, thank you!”, but that doesn’t mean shit. If you’ve ever dated a really hot chick and watched other guys tell her how attractive she is, even good looking guys who said it smoothly, I’m sure you got a full commentary from her regarding the lack of quality these men were displaying, even if she was demonstrating gratitude for their compliments.

I’m not saying women don’t like men kissing their asses. They certainly do. I’m saying hearing from men something they already know and have heard a thousand times is not a compliment. If you just can’t control yourself and must compliment her, tell her she’s smart or interesting or unique, not beautiful.

4. It reduces your odds of a lay. This is unquestionable. Try the “20 woman experiment” above and track your results if you don’t believe me. By not complimenting a woman’s appearance, your odds of a lay go up. The speed of the lay also goes up. Moreover, the hotter she is, the more important it is to not say anything about it.

5. It damages your Alpha standing in her eyes. Even if you’re a cool, attractive guy, the simple act of telling a hot chick she’s hot will take you down a notch in her mental assessment of your sexual worthiness.

I didn’t say if she’s totally into you she’ll be suddenly turned off if you mention she’s attractive. If you’ve already scored 87 points on her 0-100 scale, telling her she’s hot won’t drop you the entire 87, but it will drop you down to 83 or 77 or 75.

Why do this? Why take the chance? Why make this harder on yourself?

“Well, I like telling women they’re beautiful. It makes me feel more natural and human. It makes the interaction more organic.”

Okay, fine. But can’t you wait until you’ve had sex with her a few times before you tell her she’s sexy or has nice tits? Is it really that difficult?

6. It damages your Outcome Independence, whether you realize it or not. This is the biggest internal reason why you shouldn’t do this. By telling a hot woman she’s hot, you have mentally placed her on a pedestal in your own mind at least a little bit. You’re going to want her just a little more now. Your Outcome Independence will have taken a hit. At least a small one. Not good.

Next time you’re with some Hot Chick™, remember this article.

Just don’t do it.

You’ll thank me in the morning.


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  1. And yet I personally know men getting laid by 9s doing the exact opposite of this advice.

    The kicker? It only works if you are higher value than her, and she knows it. In this circumstance complimenting her with a strong, masculine, confident frame (sparingly), owning your sexual intent, will actually reduce her to a blushing mess. Seen it with my own eyes.

    If you are equal, or lower value than the girl (or at least in her [probably warped] perception), then apply all of the above advice. Obviously, the hotter the girl, the more often this is going to be true. So unless you’re Captain Awesome, it’s best to err on the side of caution for any girl over an 8.5, and keep your mouth shut.

  2. @yousowould
    You’ve got a point but:
    1. Not everyone is Captain Awesome.
    2. Even if you’re Captain America, the reality (99% of the time) is in the middle paragraph of reason #3.

  3. Maybe this is why you have trouble laying women over 33. Just sayin… If someone is sure they are the hottest thing on the planet maybe telling them they are attractive is redundant but a lot of women still need to hear that.

    Me, I am very reluctant to get in bed with someone if I am not SURE of their attraction to me, so I pretty much need to hear on some level that they think I am hot/sexy/beautiful.

    That said, there are ways to come off as lame, and ways to do it right. When guys act all in awe and say “you’re beautiful” then it makes them look beneath you. When a guy says it in a way that implies he is giving you his stamp of approval it is different. So an attitude of “wow, you are so beautiful” is bad but a more “yes, you are hot/sexy/beautiful to me” is good.

  4. Great arguments!

    I couldnt keep my tongue in check until I started to play texas hold’em live poker.
    Loosing money due to my mouth or body language really sucked. Same applies to ruined dates.

    @girl
    If a man has to use words to prove you his attraction there is something wrong.

  5. Maybe this is why you have trouble laying women over 33.

    So women over 33 must be told they’re pretty while women under 33 don’t?

    You realize that, as usual, your comments tend to prove my points rather than oppose them.

  6. @Oxyjinn
    Oh absolutely, I agree. I was just trying to make a point that this doesn’t universally apply, but is great advice for 95% of the time.

    PS I’ll be Captain Awesome one day…

  7. @yousowould

    You’re correct, though I also think BD is correct when he says your “score” is reduced through the compliment. It’s just that when a guy is, as you say, Captain Awesome, his score is already so high that it doesn’t matter.

  8. @BD- I’m saying that as women get older they are surrounded with the message that this makes them less attractive so they are going to tend to be more receptive to compliments and less likely to want to hop in bed with a guy who they aren’t 100% sure finds them beautiful.

    In the past couple of years I’m pretty sure I haven’t slept with anyone who hasn’t expressed to me that he found me attractive, in words, first. Well, barring the swinger party group sex scenario. I don’t know that I heard it from those guys.

    I’d be really reluctant to take my clothes off for someone I felt was on the fence or hadn’t told me he thought I was hot. Now, that doesn’t mean that I am likely to respond to the countless guys that just say “wow, your beautiful” because that’s lame. So like I said above, you have to be coming at it from a better frame and more like you are giving your approval than that you are in awe of her.

  9. Meh. Is this a cultural thing? I don’t recognize the frame at all.

    Where I’m from girls/women generally do not get genuine compliments/hear that they are beautiful very much at all UNLESS it is via online means (Facebook, online dating, MSN or similar) or from someone in a nightclub (i.e. alcholhol involved).

    My experience is that it is very rare for a woman to receive such a compliment from someone sober, in a daytime IRL setting.

    So the random woman to me doesn’t necessarily know that she is beautiful, doesn’t hear this from a million (sober) guys (IRL). So she takes it as a compliment, and you will stand out as a rare man with some guts.

    Should be said I am generally not attracted to the type of girls that other consider 9’s or 10’s, I’m much more fond of the shy but cute librarian/girl next door type of girl. Maybe that makes a difference.

    @lifeofalovergirl – I’m not sure I see why a man would like to have sex with you if he was not attracted to you?

  10. Men don’t need to put ‘I think you’re pretty’ into words. It should be blatantly apparant to the girl purely through his body language. Putting it into words is a red herring and I’d consider a girl asking for it as a ‘shit test’. There’s better ways to provide her comfort if necessary.

  11. I guess this makes me one of the guys who make excuses, but I do think very specific compliments can be helpful for getting a girl who is not particularly pretty and not used to male attention, especially if she suspects I’m out of her league. (Why would a guy want to go for a girl like that? I found it was very useful when I was still getting comfortable with dating, when I was still too beta for the hot girls. Part of the growing process for a guy starting from the bottom.) For these girls, your points 1-3 don’t apply, and your point 5 is actually a plus because it makes me seem more accessible.

    For girls who are actually hot, of course I agree with you 100%.

  12. In general this is a good rule to follow. There are always odd situations, though. Here’s one:

    I was in a restaurant by myself and there was a girl sitting nearby by herself (we were the only two customers). I initiated conversation, and after she pretended not to be interested during my first two conversational threads, she eventually gave me more and I moved over to her table. She turned out to be a model who was not walking the runways this fashion season, which is an important anecdote, as you’ll see later on.

    At this point things were flying and she’s laughing and yada yada. 5-10 minutes later I ask her how old she is and she acts weirded out by the question. When she tells me that she’s 23, I respond, “Yeah I thought you were 23-24-25.” Bombs away! She immediately gets up and leaves the establishment, saying something like, “You asked me my age and then you insult me.”

    I had this girl practically eating out of my hand, and had I told her that she was pretty, I bet I could have banged her. Instead, I was playing it cool and casual and she thought I was insulting her. I attribute her reaction to her career as a model, where 25 is a breaking point for a lot of them, and since she wasn’t walking in the fashion shows, I triggered something with my age comment (which I didn’t think was any big deal, but to her it was and, well, that’s all that mattered).

  13. Um…Tim. You told a woman that she looked older than she really was. I don’t know many women that wouldn’t feel insulted by that. However, that doesn’t mean that complimenting her appearance wouldn’t have also ruined the attraction you had built. It could have worked something like this:

    1) She thinks your cool/interesting/attractive/whatever->Taboo Question about Age->Insult->she thinks you’re a dick.

    2) She likes you->Taboo Question about Age->tell her she’s hot->disappointment (“I though he was cool, but it turns out he’s just like all the other dorks who hit on me….”)

    3) She likes you->Taboo Question on Age->Appropriate Response->She likes you even more because of the social intelligence you displayed following a question that is normally considered off limits.

  14. Zeus’s beard! Look at all the EXCUSES in these comments!

    Why don’t you guys just come clean and be honest and say “I WANT to tell women they’re hot, so I’m going to go out of my way to find reasons to do that.”

  15. David DeAngelo has talked about this and when I first got ahold of his material in 2006 I stopped complimenting women on their looks altogether. I haven’t done it in 7 years and I don’t intend to again. That was my one biggest fault at the time, I’m even a physically attractive guy and until I knocked that retarded shit off I couldn’t get a girl to date me. I could not believe myself as I watched this advice work time and time again.

    It’s funny to watch Facebook and see all the AFC’s who drool all over hot women showering them with compliments. It’s like watching someone tie their own noose.

  16. I think it’s a basic principle, and it should be followed. It worked for me many times. Sometimes compliment worked, but mostly it was really hurting my game. Even after first sex. So, why do you want to hurt your own game? It’s like not using kino, because “it doesn’t feel okay at the first date”. Do you wanna be mr. nicey or get laid?
    I really hate, when guys in forums are telling that they can’t get women, and when you ask them, they don’t follow like half of the basic rules. Because “it doesn’t feel right”, or ‘it’s not me”, or other BS. Yeah if you are Brad Pitt’s and George Clooney’s lovechild, you can compliment, but even then it’s hurting your game, so wtf?

    As Magnum said, look at facebook, how much compliment they get! Or likes. So doing it before sex, 99% of the time you are just the same as those like-clicking beta puppy dogs.

  17. This is a fantastic principle, especially for beginners. Though, as a couple other posters have noted, it can also work very well depending on the situation.

    The thing is, and this is where it can sever one’s chances with a girl, is that most guys say things like “you’re beautiful” as an automated response, which takes away the value of the compliment. However, if it’s rooted in something (your preferences in women, etc.) then it can be effective.

  18. Yeah I never compliment a woman on her looks even after I fucked her. On a first date she knows you’re attracted to her by the kino and sex talk. I had one woman tell me that I’m the only guy who never gave her compliments on her looks even after I had sex with her.

  19. Everyone needs to hear they look sexy/hot/attractive. Of course hearing it during the initial stages of courting is pointless because clearly you’re physically attracted if you’re putting in the effort to engage in conversation and being flirtatious. Eventually once you get to know more about them and it then progresses to more than just that initial physical attraction.
    Now once things are in relationship status then it doesn’t hurt to reassure each other. I wouldn’t mind having him smack my ass and him telling me I’m a sexy beast once in a while just like I’d let him know that he is as well. It’s an en ego thing. We need to hear it to believe it sometimes.
    Of course his actions alone can reassure me but verbally hearing it would be arousing at least for me it would.
    About the person saying a woman having power/control over you. Umm really? I like to be in relationships where it’s equal and we treat each other with respect. I don’t want to be dominated unless it’s in bed. All I can say to someone with that type of thinking is:
    If you are more concerned about having more power in the relationship overall I strongly suggest you stay single until you actually understand how relationships should work.

  20. Lmao @TIM.
    Basically insulted a woman, the biggest turn off possible.
    I guess you can do little jabs, playful jabs, but never actual insults.
    Also big no no is to be opinionated and not light-hearted.

    Additionally, in my culture asking a woman her age is insulting and shows a lack of education.

    Anyhow, completely agree with this article.
    Essentially, complimenting a woman’s looks in the dating period shows neediness which is the worst possible trait one could show.

  21. this is so true! compliments from a guy are a turn off and makes the guy seem ‘nice’ but boring. Girls want a challenge too!

  22. It doesn’t matter how cool you act in front of her, if she’s not attracted to you she will never be attracted to you. If she is attracted to you, you will have to act either like a total pig or a spineless worm to get her to reject you. Women need compliments, even 10’s need to be reassured that she is attractive in her mans eyes.

  23. You have to admit that if a guy is giving you compliments about how pretty you are, your attraction for him reduces, at least a little.

  24. I am sorry I ever insulted you by calling your compliments a socalled crime of sexual socalled hassling was inappropriate for us to do as women. We are sorry we ever made men criminals for complimenting our breasts,cleavage and rears. We are sorry Jesus for making one the biggest mistakes in human history when regrettably we had innocent men jailed for telling us our bodies and their parts are lovely.

  25. Sexual and “street” harassment are both lies from Satan, the Devil used the Satan loving womens movement to brainwash women even on the internet to harass,judge,persecute,etc. men because they told them their breasts are pretty,cleavage nice,etc. Its disrespectful to complain about strange men complimenting your appearance, its also rude for police to coerce men into making an insincere I am sorry apology for something as ridiculous,trivial,inoffensive as saying you rear and cleavage is lovely. Those who call compliments,whistling,grabbing,etc. hassling will be in eternal pain in hell. Why shouldn’t a man compliment a ladies appearance? What? Thats the stupidest thing you have ever said. Makes no sense. Very inappropriate the way women today react childishly when ever someone says something nice about their appearance of their bodies,cleavage,etc. Satan told America to cage men who compliment women deceived by the satanic femeanists.

  26. Pingback: How to be Awful with Women, Part #1 | Waystobeyou

  27. Yeah, I avoid it. It sends off the wrong signals as if you have some type of complex where you’re intimidated by them & feel that they’re better than you. Attractive women don’t have sex with men who kiss their ass.

  28. I agree with the majority of people on this. Your advice doesn’t hold, not even most of the time.

    I’m willing to bet that it does hold in SOME cases, but that’s not to say you should act this way across the board. Consider context, definitely have some self-respect and never stoop yourself to a woman’s feet and be yourself, and you should be fine.

    I believe it works some times, depending on the type of woman you’re talking to. Is she sexy and does she seem like she absolutely knows it? That would be a great instance to probably think about utilizing this advice. I can’t think of any cases outside of that context.

    IN SUM, any readers considering this advice should, in the end, use it judiciously.

  29. Is she sexy and does she seem like she absolutely knows it? That would be a great instance to probably think about utilizing this advice. I can’t think of any cases outside of that context.

    Then if you truly believe that, do the 20 Woman Experiment and focus on women who are not “super sexy”, like 6s-7s. Then come back and tell me that telling 10 normal women in a row they were hot before you fucked them made no difference whatsoever in your results.

  30. I agree with almost everything that was said, other than the “player tone” of the article and one other important point that I believe BlackDragon did not state: No matter how “hot” a girl is, she most certainly will still be somewhat self-conscious about her looks. (There is a lot of competition out there, ie. models, etc). When you do not compliment her about her looks—in the dating/courting phase—you will persuade her to somewhat evaluate if she is good enough for you. In other words, if you are making her think “maybe I’m not that attractive after all” by not complimenting her about her looks, that works in your favor because the no-complimenting-strategy subtly plays on her insecurities, and hence brings down her self-esteem. And we can all agree about what girls with lower self-esteems are more prone to do?

  31. Pingback: Compliments: Just say no (at first) | Fountain of Chris

  32. OK you got me. I have a really bad habit of doing this and not a very good success rate. Why do we do this? There must be some reason because a lot of men do it. What can we do to remind ourselves to stop this? Some kind of tip, slogan to remember,
    something like your comment visualize me punching you in the face…

    OK here is my lame attempt at an excuse.
    On line dating. The woman is overweight but not a lot. She has humungus breasts (42DDD)something I like. She is crying in her profile that people should stop insulting her and just move on.

    So, I tell her I think she looks sexy, I like big breasts and you don’t really see them on skiny girls unless they are fake…

    We have a date planned, I will let you know…

  33. I have a really bad habit of doing this and not a very good success rate.

    Of course.

    Why do we do this? There must be some reason because a lot of men do it.

    Habit and outdated biology, both of which are responsible for all kinds of stupid male behaviors.

    What can we do to remind ourselves to stop this?

    I would write up a note card and put it in your wallet. Then every time you’re on a dating site, or out meeting women, or about to walk into a first date, pull it out and re-read it. “I am strong enough to never need to compliment a woman’s appearance in order to get laid” or something like that.

  34. It really depends on how it is said (not just how “confidently”) and how the rest of the man is. Many times it can be a turn off, like if he seems desperate or he’s only saying that because he wants to fuck.

    I think a lot of your advice would work on a certain type of girl, and is for guys whose only objective is to fuck girls.

  35. I think a lot of your advice would work on a certain type of girl, and is for guys whose only objective is to fuck girls.

    What other objective would a guy have on a date? Even a wimpy beta male looking for a monogamous relationship still wants to fuck the girl, and as quickly as possible.

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