First, let’s get our definitions straight. Per the glossary, “drama” is defined thusly:
Drama – Any harsh negative actions directed from a woman to man where the man is the target of said negativity. Screaming, nagging, complaining, arguing, demands, crying, threats, ultimatums, the “silent treatment”, refusing sex because of non-medical reasons, all of these things are drama, and there are many others. Drama is not “anything negative”. Specifically, it must be harsh (sweetly lying would not be considered drama) and focused at the man (angrily complaining about her boss at work would not be considered drama). Drama is a female trait. (Men have guy-drama.)
Remember that definition as we proceed.
Occasionally I will get someone who is only slightly versed in my stuff say something like this:
“You can’t have relationships with no drama Blackdragon! That’s impossible! All women do drama! There are no women out there who never do drama!”
Correct. All women need drama at least occasionally. Sadly, it’s how women are wired. Some women need a lot of drama, some need just a little, but I’ve discussed that already.
However, I don’t teach how to have “relationships with no drama”. I teach how to have relationships with minimal drama. There’s a difference.
I do experience a little drama in my multiple relationships. However, the difference between me and normal people is:
1. It only happens about 2-3 times per year. (2-3 times per year would be an amazing feat if I was dating one woman, but remember, I’m always dating 3-5 women at a time.)
2. When it happens, it’s very, very brief. You can measure the time in seconds or minutes. Then it’s done, over, and never comes back.
Given that women need drama, how is this possible?
- Is it because I’m some roaring asshole Needy Alpha, and “command” my women to never give me drama?
No. That doesn’t work. That simply creates more drama after a brief delay of fear. (As many Needy Alphas will attest.)
- Is it because all of my women are just fuck buddies who I quickly kick out the door right after having sex?
- Is it because my relationships are all very short?
No. Most of my open relationships are measured in years, not months.
How the hell do I pull this off then?
The first answer is that I structure my relationships for minimal drama from the very beginning, starting with the very first date. By doing things such as having a strong EFA, never betaizing myself, only seeing them once a week, making them cum whenever we have sex, and a host of other techniques I’ve talked about on this blog and elsewhere, the structure is conducive for minimal drama. This is especially true if you compare me to the typical AFC boyfriend-guy or the monogamous PUA who surrenders to that one girl Who Is Not Like The Rest™.
The second answer is something a little more tricky. Because women need drama, you can structure everything perfectly and she’ll still have her “days” where she starts bitching about irrational shit for no reason. If she actually lives with you, triple this. Even if you’re doing everything else right.
Because commanding her to “not do drama” doesn’t work (such a thing would be like her commanding you to never take a piss), then instead you must learn how to divert her drama to other places besides you.
When I was a kid, I used to create little rivers in my sandbox. I would carve out a trench, give it a little angle, then turn on the garden hose that was laying on the high end. Then I’d watch the little river I’d created.
Then I would dig another trench, attached to the first trench, and watch as the water was diverted from the main “river” to my new secondary river. This was a lot of fun when I was little and I used to do this kind of thing for hours in the summer time.
Today, I view a woman’s drama the same way. It’s an unyielding river that never ends. Through my relationship structures, techniques, and frame, I can reduce the size of this river, often substantially. But I can never dry it up completely. What remains I simply divert away from me, around me, and “aim” it towards other areas in her life. Since I hate drama and love happiness, I’ve become very skilled at this.
Here are four ways you can divert the drama of the women in your sex/romance life away from you and towards other targets. I have personally field tested all of these techniques over many years with numerous women of various ages and personality types, and I can tell you for a fact they all work.
1. Encourage her to call her friends and yell at them when she’s pissed.
This one is number one, top of the list. I’ve given the example before of when a woman in my life starts giving me drama, then she stops herself, pulls out her cell phone, calls one of her girlfriends or male orbiters, leaves the room, and starts yelling at them instead. Then I smile, nod at a job well done, and get back to work.
If a woman is pissed, she needs to yell at somebody. Why does that “somebody” have to be you?
Seriously. Really think about that. Why does it have to be you?
Let her go scream her head off at one of her girlfriends, who themselves are women and thus will enjoy the drama. Let her go yell for ten minutes at one of the beta males who want to fuck her. If these men want to be her emotional tampon, let them, while you get back to work on your Mission or go have sex with one of your other women.
Women, especially women who are married or live with a guy, are under the very mistaken impression that their husband/BF is the default repository for any drama she has because she’s in a bad mood, or is having her period, or had a bad day at work.
Wrongo! She needs to clearly understand that when she’s upset for some irrational reason, her husband/BF (whom she supposedly “loves more than anyone else”) is the last person she has the right to scream at. Her girlfriends, guy friends, sisters, mother, and co-workers should all be people she yells at first. Not you, the man who loves her and takes care of her and gives her orgasms.
2. Completely ignore her if/when she says bad things about you to other people.
Outcome Independence. Outcome Independence. Outcome Independence.
This is a tough one for guys. I admit I had trouble with it in the beginning. Years ago when I was first trying the open/poly relationships thing, occasionally I’d have women complain about me in a very public way on things like MySpace or Facebook. As you might imagine, I got a little pissed. At one point I even found myself getting a little Needy Alpha and telling women to “not say bad things about me”.
But then I caught myself and realized how outcome dependent I was being. I made a pact with myself that I would never, ever tell a woman not to complain/badmouth me to other people. I would be Outcome Independent and not give a shit.
It worked. Soon I didn’t care, and was even a little embarrassed at how childish I was being.
If one of my women ever badmouthed me on social media, I just smiled and clicked “Unfriend”. When they begged me to re-friend them, I just said no. I’ve done this many times over the years, and it’s worked great. (Keeping your more drama-prone women off your Facebook page to begin with is also a good idea.)
You need to get to the point where if someone tells you “Hey, your girlfriend told Suzi that you’re an insensitive asshole!” you just smile and say “Cool” and then eat a potato chip.
Diverting her drama is not going to work if you freak out every time she bitches about you to one of her friends. Hey, she’s a woman. Bitching about men/boyfriends/husbands is what women do. Get used to it, and ignore it.
Remember I said “badmouthing you to other people“. If she badmouths you to you, that’s drama, and unacceptable. Instant soft next! (We’ll get to that one in a minute.)
3. Strongly encourage her to spend lots of time with other women.
I have experienced overwhelming evidence that strongly suggests the following:
The amount of drama a woman gives you is inversely proportional to the amount of time she spends with female friends.
If a woman has “no friends”, or is one of these women who “hates women” and only has a bunch of guy friends, then in my experience she is far more likely to throw drama at you. Moreover, the drama is more likely to be angry and intense.
However, if she spends a lot of time with female friends, this does seem to allow her to vent her drama on her girlfriends like that little hole on a steaming teapot. By the time she gets around to spending time with you, she’s “vented”, and is less likely to give you drama.
I always, always encourage the women in my life to spend time with more women. If any women in my life clearly have no friends or just have guy friends, I know I’m probably in for some more drama, which will likely force her down into the FB category.
The more time she spends with female friends, the better. Men who get pissed when their women spend “too much time” with their girlfriends are making a huge mistake. In my experience, women who spend a huge amount of time with other female friends are the lowest-drama women out there (in terms of how much drama they give you, that is…their girlfriends get a shitload of it).
4. Master the technique of the soft next, and get comfortable doing it.
The single, most powerful weapon in your relationship management arsenal is the soft next. Just the act of soft nexting a woman once or twice will instantly reduce her drama and teach her to divert it away from you faster than just about anything else you can do.
I had so many questions about how to do this and saw so many misconceptions about this, that finally, about a year ago, I wrote up step-by-step instructions on how to do a soft next on the forums. If you’re interested, it’s right here. That should at least get you started. If you need more information you should get my relationships ebook, because soft nexting won’t work if you’re doing everything else wrong (i.e. acting like the typical boyfriend). Soft nexts are also impossible if you live with a woman, so if that’s you, you’re out of luck on this one unless you’ve established one of the creative OLTR solutions (also discussed in the ebook).
Soft nexting is extremely painful for a woman (because it removes the one thing she craves from you the most: your attention) while simultaneously increasing her attraction for you. The point here is that she is far more likely to take the time to divert her drama from you if she knows you’re going to snap your fingers and soft next her as soon as she starts screaming at you. Get good at soft nexting, and get comfortable with the process. This one thing alone can completely transform your entire relationship life.