Listed below is every objection to nonmonogamy I have ever heard, and their answers.
A few years ago I wrote a very detailed document located right here that describes why being nonmonogamous is, while not without flaws, better on the overall than being monogamous. In there I address all the objections people give about this.
However, I realize most people aren’t going to take the time to read it, and will throw these objections at me anyway.
To solve this problem, I have gathered together all the objections people use to defend monogamy and their very brief, summarized answers. It’s a list of all your excuses why you cling to monogamy and/or traditional marriage and don’t want to try things like open relationships, polyamory, prenuptial agreements, and/or open or semi-open marriages.
They are numbered for convenience, so in the future whenever someone tosses out one of these objections, I can just link to this post and say “Numbers 4, 8, and 22.” Time management is awesome.
They are listed in no particular order. If you want more detailed answers, refer to the document in the link above.
Let’s do this…
1. What about having someone care for you in your old age?
The divorce rate for people who get married now, at the usual ages people get married, is around 63% in most cities. That means there’s a 63% that person won’t be around in your old age anyway.
If you want someone to be with in your old age, get married when you’re in your old age.
2. I don’t want STDs.
Then use condoms on people unless they’re very trusted, get tested for STDs twice a year, and immediately stop dating any person who refuses to do the same.
I’ve been doing this for going on eight years now, and my most recent STD test came back clean. Condoms and responsibility do work.
3. I can’t trust my partner to always use a condom every time if they have sex with someone else!
Then why are you in a serious relationship with someone you can’t trust? Sounds like a stupid move to me.
4. Not settling down and/or getting married and/or having kids is selfish.
Having kids, creating more human beings to consume more resources on this already overpopulated world, is one of the most selfish acts you can commit.
Don’t bullshit me. You don’t want to have kids because you want to help the world. You want kids because YOU want to have kids. You’re being selfish. Which is perfectly fine. (I have two kids myself.)
5. Monogamy is the best way to raise children.
In a society with a very low divorce rate, you’re right. But our divorce rate is around 63% in most cities. Therefore traditional monogamy and/or marriage is a great way to screw up your kids via divorce.
6. That divorce rate applies to guys with bad taste who don’t know who to pick a quality woman. I will screen for a woman who will make a great wife and mother.
All those other smart guys now getting divorced and/or dumped and/or cheated on said the exact same thing. Everyone says it won’t happen to them. That’s why it happens to so many people.
7. There is one thing a man doesn’t get unless he’s married, and that’s a commitment.
In a society with a very low divorce rate, you’re right. But our divorce rate is 63% in most cities, and 82% of the time it’s the woman leaving the man. In the modern era, most people can and do divorce for any reason and do so in vast numbers.
The type of lifetime commitment you’re referring to has been extinct since the late 1960s.
8. Having a bunch of open relationships is too much work.
Then don’t have a bunch. Have just one or two. One serious girlfriend and one friend-with-benefits on the side is all you need.
9. I don’t believe in cheating.
Good, neither do I. I’m not talking about cheating. Cheating is when you promise monogamy then violate that promise. We’re talking here about nonmonogamous relationships, where monogamy is never promised. You’re having sex with other people and doing it with her full knowledge and consent. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my entire life, and neither should you.
10. She will complain I haven’t asked her to be my girlfriend yet.
Then ask her to be your girlfriend (if that’s what you want). Just don’t promise her sexual monogamy. One does not require the other.
11. A girl can’t ever fully trust and commit to you if you keep having sex with other girls.
Millions of men and women all over the Western world raising children in long-lasting discreet open marriages would disagree with you.
12. I won’t have time to be with my girl(s) and keep sarging for new girls every day.
Then don’t have a bunch of girls. Have two. One serious girlfriend and one friend-with-benefits on the side is all you need.
13. Okay, okay, dammit. All of this stuff is probably true, and I agree monogamy usually doesn’t work, but I just can’t handle it if the woman in my life is out having sex with other guys.
This is the biggest objection of them all. There are four answers to it.
A) You get used to it. The reason you’re so worried about it is because you’ve never experienced it, or experienced it consistently. It’s not nearly as bad as you now fantasize.
B) If that’s a huge concern to you, you likely don’t have enough going on in your life outside of her. Find a Mission, a purpose, set some exciting goals, and throw your whole heart into it. You’ll find that 80-90% of your jealousy will instantly vanish as soon as you do this. You’ll be a much happier man too.
C) A little jealousy is a very small price to pay for the 15-20 other benefits you get from being nonmonogamous (you being able to have sex with other women whenever you want, lack of drama, lack of financial risk, lack of rules you have to follow, vast amounts of freedom, etc).
D) Women are not in constant horndog mode like men are. There will be long stretches in your relationship were she won’t be having sex with other people at all (even if you are) because she’s just not in that mindset.
14. My girl is Not Like The Rest™ No, seriously. I’ve had sex with <large number> women and she’s not like any of them.
By successfully sleeping with all these women, you have unwittingly established a variety-based pattern of behavior of sleeping with many women. Thus you are less able to make a monogamous relationship work forever than the typical guy who’s only had sex with five or six women. This is why Alpha Males and player-guys who attempt monogamy almost always end up cheating, thus incurring drama, breakups, and/or divorces.
But hey, if you really don’t care if the relationship fails later, then go ahead.
15. What happens if she falls in love with another guy she has sex with and leaves me?
If you go monogamous, she’ll likely leave you anyway. The real divorce rate is around 63% and 82% of these divorces are the woman leaving the man. Three-fourths of all normal, monogamous, boyfriend/girlfriend breakups are initiated by the female. Women break up with men. It’s what women do. Accept it.
Monogamous she might leave you, open she might leave you, but under an open system the damage is far reduced.
In addition, in an open/poly relationship/marriage, you have a much stronger incentive to keep her emotionally and sexually satisfied because it’s much easier for her to leave. This is why the sexual “fire” in open couples tends to last many years longer than with monogamous ones.
16. My parents/family/close friends won’t accept me if I’m having sex with multiple women.
That’s their problem. Stop being a pussy, man-up, and live your life as you choose.
And I can tell you for a fact that the people who really do love you won’t care.
17. What if open marriages/relationships becomes a societal norm and everyone did this?!?
Everyone won’t do this. Even if open/poly relationships/marriages become the norm in society, there will always be a 10% – 20% segment of the population (made up of religious people, needy people, low sex drive people, etc) who will choose long-term monogamy as a life path regardless (and suffer all the usual consequences).
So don’t worry. There will always be monogamous people and monogamy will always be an option no matter what happens or how cultural norms evolve.
18. If you find the right person, you’ll never want to have sex with anyone else.
Show me five men who have been married longer than 25 years who never wanted to have sex with a woman besides their wife. Good luck with that.
Sexual desire is a biological function. It often has nothing whatsoever to do with love, commitment, or connection.
19. It puts pressure and stress on women.
And monogamy doesn’t?
What do you think things like long-term monogamy, “commitment”, traditional marriage, living with a man full time, and having children will do? All those married monogamous wives aren’t stressed, pressured, upset, bored, or bitchy? Are you kidding?
Any path you take as a man will eventually put some “pressure and stress” on a woman. It’s how women are. (Be thankful you’re a man.)
20. Her friends will give her shit about her dating me.
Then she’s welcome to break up with you at any time and find someone else if she doesn’t like it.
Find a woman compatible with you, and do this stuff right, and she won’t. Massively field-tested.
21. I hate using condoms. With monogamy I don’t have to use one.
Neither do I. With fuck buddies or new women, of course condoms are used. But once you’ve been in a relationship for a while with a woman who has proven sexual responsibility, you don’t need a condom with her if you don’t want one.
22. I kinda like drama. I kinda like the ups and downs of monogamous relationships. I’m an emotional guy and kinda get off on that.
Then get monogamous and enjoy your pain. I’ll be over here being happy.
And by the way, I’d better not hear you complain in six months about all the relationship drama you have. (It’s interesting to see the number of men who say they “kinda like drama” complain about drama just a few weeks/months after they said it.)
23. I’ve tried this open relationship stuff once or twice. It doesn’t work. After about 2 or 3 months, women demand monogamy or leave me.
Your technique is off.
At least 80% of women will agree to an open relationship provided the man does everything right, and in the right sequence. Get my open relationships ebook which shows you how to do this step-by-step, and you’ll get things working fast.
24. Ah HA! You’re selling stuff! Now I can’t trust a single word you say.
Excellent. Healthy skepticism is good. Don’t trust me on any of the facts or stats I relay. Double-check me. Google around and do your own research. Objectively look back over the past several relationships you had that didn’t last. You’ll quickly find everything I’m saying about human nature is accurate, whether we like it or not.
25. I’m going to get Facebook drama. Like my relationship status, her seeing other women on there, etc.
Not if you do this right. Always keep your Facebook relationship status blank and hidden. Block or unfriend any women who you think might post stuff on your Facebook page that will cause you drama.
I have been doing this for many years and I can count the grand total number of Facebook drama incidents I’ve had on two fingers.
26. I want a relationship/marriage like my grandparents/parents had/have.
A) Your parents/grandparents are the products of a very different era, where men and women were conditioned with very different behaviors.
B) Your parents/grandparents were married in an era where divorce was heavily restricted, both legally and culturally. Today, divorce is legally easy and socially encouraged.
B) Your parents/grandparents don’t have sex very often. Don’t forget about that part.
C) Your parents/grandparents argue a lot. Don’t forget about that either.
27. What about love? You can’t truly love someone if you’re having sex with other people. Or if they are having sex with other people.
That’s completely untrue and you know it. You’ve probably had sex with person A while still in love with person B, and it didn’t make you love person B any less.
Sex does not equal love. I’m simply astounded that I actually have to point that out to supposedly evolved, modern day people. Wow.
28. I don’t want to be hanging around dance clubs picking up chicks when I’m 45 years old.
Neither do I. I’m almost 42 years old, have women who love me, have plenty of sex, am very fulfilled and happy, and I haven’t set foot into a dance club in many years.
There are many other ways to meet attractive women who will like you (including younger women) besides dance clubs.
29. Abolishing monogamy is one of the goals of feminism!
If those feminists want me to have a marriage where I can go have sex with 19 year-old cheerleaders on the side whenever I want, than that’s one aspect of feminism I wholeheartedly support.
However I have a feeling that’s not the kind of relationship the angry feminists have in mind. They’re likely thinking about a relationship where they can have sex with other people, but their men can’t. (Obviously I would be against that. Both parties should be allowed to play around, or the relationship won’t last and/or won’t be harmonious.)
30. Well, okay. When you’re dating, this stuff is all fine. But no one actually does this while married and raising kids and stuff.
Millions of men and women all over the Western world raising children in long-lasting discreet open marriages would disagree with you.
They do it very discreetly and don’t advertise what they’re doing (because people like you will judge them). Check out my ebook on open marriages for more information.
31. Legal marriage offers financial advantages such as estate tax benefits and social security benefits.
You only get those benefits if you stay married forever. If this was a society with a very low divorce rate, then you’d have a point. But our divorce rate is 63% in most cities, so your point is moot. The odds are overwhelming your marriage won’t last long enough to gain those benefits.
Betting your retirement on a system with an only 37% success rate is shockingly irresponsible financial management.
This goes back to the whole “If you want security in your old age, get married in your old age” thing. If you want to get married when you’re 62 years old, that makes perfect sense. Go for it. It probably will be a marriage that lasts “the rest of your life”, because you’ll be dead in a few years.
32. Most marriages fail. Okay, fine. But most small businesses also fail, yet you encourage guys to start their own businesses. You’re not being consistent.
Even if you’re the perfect spouse and do everything right, you’re still only 50% of the equation. Starting a small business, you’re damn near 100% of the equation. (Even if other people are involved, you can almost instantly replace them if they don’t play ball.) There is no valid comparison between those two things.
33. I want to know that my kids are mine.
They have these great things called “paternity tests”. You can buy one at Walgreens for $20.
34. Well…monogamy is better for more traditional people.
Religious people have higher divorce rates than atheists. Look it up.
Therefore, if those traditional people don’t mind getting divorced down the road and/or cheated on, then fine.
35. I know so-and-so who’s my friend/acquaintance/family member/guy I read about online who’s been married for 3/5/12/15 years and he’s made marriage work. So I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
You don’t know if his marriage has “worked” until he’s about 75 years old AND still married to her AND he’s never had sex with anyone else during that entire time AND she’s never had sex with anyone else either. (Remember, clandestine or tolerated cheating is not monogamy. Monogamy is when you’re only having sex with one person and that person is only having sex with you.)
Check back in with that guy in 40 years and let me know if his marriage really “worked”.
36. Monogamy works fine in places like India.
I’m not talking about India. I’m taking about the modern era and the Western world. I’m not talking about India or the 1950s.
And by the way, you’re more than welcome to move to sexually-repressed India to get an arranged marriage whenever you like.
37. This “63% divorce rate” stuff is bullshit. If you wait until you’re 30 / 35 / 40 to get married and/or marry an older woman and/or marry a college graduate and/or have your wedding on the winter solstice while all the planets are aligned then the divorce rate drops to 44% / 30% / 39% / <some other number>.
Just to be a nice guy, I’ll take you at your lowest number, 30%. Would you spend $300 on a dish washer that had a 30% failure rate? No? Then why would you bet your entire financial future, emotional well-being, and children’s well-being on a system with a 30% failure rate?
Just because 30% isn’t 63% doesn’t mean 30% is good. A 30% is still extraordinarily terrible. (“I’m only going to cut off 30% of your arm…”)
38. There have been studies that suggest a woman’s sexual desire for a man “resets” and is strong again when she has his baby. So if you just have a new baby with her every 2-3 years, you can make long term monogamy work.
So to be with her the rest of your life, you’re going to have 15 babies with her? Do you want 15 kids? Can you afford 15 children? Is she physically able to have 15 kids? Even after she turns 40?
Stop being silly. This isn’t ancient Babylon. Even if those studies are accurate, it’s completely irrelevant to the realities of the modern era.
39. I’ve been married and monogamous for X years, and everything is perfect, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’m not sure if I believe everything in your relationship life is “perfect”. Sometimes married people defensively say that, but when you actually look at their marriage it’s anything but perfect. You probably have more regular drama in your life than you did when you were single. Moreover, the odds are overwhelming that you don’t have sex nearly as often as you used to, and/or that one of you has cheated already. If I pressed you on it, you’d likely admit one or more of those things.
But okay, for argument’s sake let’s say for I do believe everything in your marriage is “perfect” (which it is not).
My brother jumped off the roof when he was little. It was a 20 foot-drop and he landed on hard, dry dirt. Not only did he not die, but he didn’t break any bones and was completely unharmed. Using this real-life example, would I start recommending to all little boys they they jump off 20-foot roofs? No. That would be insane. The fact that he ended up “perfect” is meaningless on the overall because he was a very, very lucky exception to the rule.
And remember, you can’t emulate luck.
40. If you’re Alpha/have strong game/use great relationship technique/have a solid frame, you can keep your monogamous woman interested in you forever.
Keep her interested in you for longer than normal? Yes. Interested in you forever? No. Strong game/frame will indeed increase the temporary length of a monogamous relationship, like push it from two years to six years for example. But it won’t keep her horny for 30 years. That’s not how women work. Given enough time, biology always trumps skill.
41. Well, yeah, monogamous relationships fail, but open relationships won’t last either!
Correct. They won’t. No where have I ever said open relationships or marriages will last forever. If you’re talking about people under the age of 60, ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE TEMPORARY, whether mono or open. The difference is A) the amount of rules, compromises, and drama that must be suffered during the relationship once the temporary “honeymoon phase” is over, and B) the amount of damage and anger that occurs when the relationship ends.
42. No woman over 30 would ever agree to a relationship like this.
I have dated multiple women in multi-year long relationships like this who were over 30 and over 40. So have millions of other people all over the Western world, including marriages with children.
It is true that older women have more societal brainwashing that needs cleaning out, so it is often easier for younger women to enter into a relationship like this, but there are still millions of over-30 women who do this. Moreover, I can tell you from vast experience (my own and other’s) that once over-30 women enter into a nonmonogamous relationship, they derive more satisfaction from the relationship and experience less jealousy than younger women who tend to be more drama-prone.
43. No intelligent woman would ever agree to a relationship like this.
Some of the women I have dated in multi-year long relationships like this had genius level IQs, advanced college degrees, Ivy League educations, and/or held president or vice-president level positions at their jobs.
Strong, confident women love open relationships, as long as the guy is responsible and discreet. When men are not responsible or discreet and start running around like horny maniacs, that’s where the problems start. In many ways, strong women like nonmonogamous relationships more than men do.
44. The stats show that married people live longer.
Correlation, not causation. Dig a little deeper into those studies, and you’ll find that unmarried men who die early are not Alpha Males and are nothing like the type of man I talk about. Those men are usually nerds, social recluses, immature men, men with anger issues, men who don’t know how to relate to women, etc. These men do not take care of themselves, mentally or physically.
I’m talking here about a happy, well-adjusted man who can deeply love a woman…but can do so without promising eternal monogamy, something men (and women!) were never designed for.
45. I once read (or someone once told me) that one of your relationship rules is to not see a woman more than once a week. That’s insane! If I really care for someone there’s no way I could do that!
You, or the person who told you that, is misreading my rules. The once-a-week rule only applies to FBs and MLTRs. With an OLTR (the nonmonogamous equivalent of a wife or serious girlfriend), the once-a-week rule does not apply, and you’re welcome to see her as much as you like.
46. At some point you need to grow up and commit to someone.
I completely agree. But “commitment” does not automatically mean “monogamy”. You can, and probably should, eventually commit your emotions, your love, and your support to one special person. That doesn’t mean you can’t go have discreet, meaningless, condomed sex on the side occasionally while still maintaining that commitment to that person.
Remember, sex does not equal love, and commitment is about much more than who you have the biological function of sex with. Truly mature people understand this.
So NOW what’s your excuse?