Lately a few of you have given me the following criticisms:
“BD, why are you talking to guys about what to do if you move in with a woman? That’s crazy! You should NEVER move in with a woman EVER.”
“BD, why you always telling guys to get prenups? That’s crazy! You should NEVER get legally married EVER!”
As I’ve discussed before, it’s humorous to me that I have to not only fight the pro-Disney, pro-monogamy guys, but sometimes I also have to wrestle a little bit with the men on the extreme other end of the 6 levels scale, those guys who view marriage or even co-habitation with a woman as something to NEVER EVER do.
Of course I lean far more in the NEVER EVER direction than I do the pro-monogamy one; that should be obvious to anyone who’s read my stuff before. Ideally, yes, no man would ever legally marry a woman. As a matter of fact, I have argued, and will continue to do so, that if men simply controlled themselves and stopped marrying women, women would repeal alimony almost instantly.
The problem? We don’t live in a perfect world. Men are flawed when it comes to this, including woman-successful, well-read Alphas. Most Alphas are going to get married no matter what you, I, or anyone else in the manosphere is going to say.
Would you like some empirical evidence on that? Okay, let me show you something. Several months ago I took an informal poll on our forum. It asked all the PUAs/players/Alphas there what they intended to do “once you’re older” and they were “done” fucking all these women.
These men are not AFCs and not betas. These men are not uninformed. These are men who are getting laid a lot. These men (at least the vast majority of them) are knowledgeable, well-read, successful-with-women Alphas who know all about monogamy not working, the dangers of getting married, and all the other manosphere red pill stuff.
The results were very interesting.
22% said they were going to move in with a woman and get monogamous anyway, married or otherwise. Think about that for a minute. That’s almost one-fourth of the entire group.
17% said they were going to move in with a woman, but not get monogamous.
A whopping 37% said they had “no idea” what they were going to do. This is much worse than it sounds. I can tell you from vast experience in working with men, this is another way of saying, “I’m going to be player until I get older, or want children, or get oneitis for someone. Then I’ll get monogamous and settle down.”
Never getting monogamous, never getting legally married, consistently resisting these false but intense societal and biological pressures for decades on end, takes constant, conscious effort and a very strong will. If you have all the information before you and still “don’t know” what you’re going to do when you get into your 30s, 40s, or 50s, and have no long-term battle plan about this you feel strongly about, then I’m betting money that eventually, someday you’re getting monogamous and/or legally married. And I’m going to be right. This will be especially true when you want to have kids, which the vast majority of you younger men will want someday no matter how independent Alpha badass you think you are.
So if you do the math on this, around 59% percent of these manosphere, red pill men, posting on a largely anti-monogamy forum, are either definitely or most likely going to “settle down” someday in a monogamous fashion.
Add in the 17% of men who will move in with a woman someday but will never get monogamous or legally married, and you’ve got 76% of red pill men who are going to “settle down” someday. And again, this is on a mostly anti-monogamy PUA forum! Isn’t that incredible? This means there are many other PUA or manosphere communities where this 76% is 80%, 90%, or even higher.
Are you starting to see the problem here?
Do you see how much good it would do for me to scream NEVER GET MARRIED EVER to men all day? At least three-fourths of the red pill, manosphere audience would shrug and ignore that advice, and spout out all the usual excuses (“but I want kids,” “that won’t happen to me,” “Athol Kay did it,” etc), and go get monogamous and/or legally married anyway.
I learned this a very long time ago, before I even started writing this blog. Most Alpha Male, PUA, red pill players are going to either get monogamous or married someday, regardless of the non-stop, 24/7 bombardment from the manosphere they read saying to not do this.
This is to say nothing of the pro-marriage and pro-monogamy elements within the manosphere, of which there are many strong voices. Gurus behind the concept of “long-term monogamy works as long as you do it right” (many of whom I respect even if I disagree with them) have plenty of enthusiastic followers themselves. Every year, sadly, there are more aging, high-profile ex-PUAs and ex-players getting monogamously married, singing the praises of marriage and/or monogamy as long as you “screen” or something.
So me, or any other manosphere guy, screaming NEVER MOVE IN WITH A WOMAN EVER or NEVER GET MARRIED EVER will fall on deaf years. In other words, it will be a waste of my time…and I refuse to waste my time.
This is why observant readers will notice that instead of saying NEVER GET MARRIED EVER, I tend to say,
“Don’t get legally married. It’s a dumb, reckless, and extremely risky act. There’s no reason to do it and you can get everything you want by living with a woman and not being married. But, if you can’t control yourself and you get married anyway, then okay punk, here’s how you should do it…”
Like it or not, that advice has much higher odds of penetrating men’s thick, Societally Programmed skulls about this rather than the NEVER GET MARRIED EVER mantra (which I do agree with!). The majority of the manosphere audience will snort and ignore me if I say NEVER GET MARRIED EVER, and thus will unlikely change any behaviors. But perhaps 70% (or so) of my reading audience or better will probably pay some attention to my more realistic advice above, and thus change their behaviors for the better.
Am I happy that I’m forced to qualify my advice like that? No. Yet these are the realities we have to work with, folks. As always, I calibrate my actions based on how things work in the real world, rather than how I want things to work or wish things would work. I would love it if men reading the manosphere suddenly snapped out of their Disney trance and stopped getting married…but that’s not the case.
What about living with a woman someday without getting legally married? Well, if you live with a woman under a long-term monogamous relationship, legally married or not, you’re either ignorant, delusional, have a lower sex drive, or you enjoy drama on some level. But I’ve already talked about that to death.
Then what if you want to cohabit with a woman someday but not be monogamous or legally married? That’s called a live-in OLTR and it’s perfectly fine. I’ve been talking about that for many years. Something like 97% of men are going to co-habit someday, at some point in their lives, at some age, even if it’s an older age. This includes Alpha 1.0s and 2.0s. It’s inevitable. Human beings are pair-bonding creatures.
As above, I could sit here and scream NEVER MOVE IN WITH A WOMAN EVER, but 97% of you would eventually ignore my advice, and I’d be wasting my time again. Moreover, I myself plan on moving in with a woman someday under a nonmonogamous, unmarried OLTR arrangement as I’ve discussed in detail before, as millions of other men have already done successfully.
So once again, my advice is,
“Hey, I know you’re a human being and I know you’re going to move in with a woman eventually, someday, no matter how much of a badass player you are right now. So alright, when you do that, here’s how you should do it…”
Again, because of the nature of the audience, there are far higher odds of success with that advice than NEVER MOVE IN WITH A WOMAN EVER.
I have also said many times, and will continue to say, that when a man moves in with a woman, there is a instant shift of some power from male to female, even if it’s nonmonogamous. There is also at least a small increase of drama you’re going to have to put up with from her, again even if it’s nonmonogamous and you’re an Alpha 2.0 to a T. This is the price you pay to satisfy the human need to co-habit / pair bond that 97% of you (including me) have, or will have as you get older. That still doesn’t mean the NEVER MOVE IN WITH A WOMAN EVER advice will be effective in changing men’s behaviors.
Finally, the problem with the NEVER MARRY A WOMAN EVER and NEVER MOVE IN WITH A WOMAN EVER advice is, if I was saying those things, once most of the men in my reading audience did those things anyway (which they will!), they would have no logistical tools whatsoever to deal with those circumstances. Since I would be saying NEVER EVER, I would never be talking about how to do it if you did it. These men would then be even worse off, having entered into their marriage or non-married co-habitation completely incorrectly. (No prenup, no co-habitation agreement, combining of finances, monogamy, etc.)
Hope that clears that up.