This article is an amalgamation and summation of a topic I’ve talked about at various points on this blog. Today I’ll give you an easy, single place to get the basic info. If you want more detail on this topic, you should get this ebook or this one.
Let’s say you have an OLTR you really care for and want to move in with for whatever reason. Maybe you want to be with her, maybe you want to have kids, whatever. You have been with this woman at the OLTR level for at least six months, preferably a year or longer, and during that entire time she’s been cool with the nonmonogamous aspect of the relationship with very little drama or jealousy. You don’t want to legally marry her because you know that’s not what you want, but you would still like to live with her.
How do you move in with her while still protecting your finances, self-esteem, and sexual freedom? Today I’ll give you the exact steps you need to take.
I will not be discussing the topic of having children today, since that’s an entirely different area. If you want detail on that, you should get my Alpha Male 2.0 book since there I go into detail on the topic of the Alpha Male father.
The below steps must be followed in the exact order given. You will notice that at the end of every step, there is a “call it off” section where you need to cancel this entire move-in-together thing if certain parameters aren’t met.
Here we go!
Step One: Spend $100-$200 and go visit a local family attorney to understand common law marriage and palimony law in your city.
Common law marriage means you are automatically, legally married after living with a woman for X number of years, even if you never actually signed a marriage license.
Palimony is the same thing as alimony, except it applies to a girlfriend you lived with without marrying.
The laws regarding these two things vary widely based on the city, state/province, or country. You must have a thorough understanding of these local laws before you move in with any woman. If, for example, you are legally married via common law marriage after living with a woman for just two years, well shit, you need to know that, don’t you? As another example, if you are required to pay her palimony if she moves out of your home after five years, you need to know that too.
If you find the common law / palimony laws in your city are too restrictive, call it off. Don’t move in with her. Your options at that point are:
1. Move in with her, but kick her out right before the common law or palimony kicks in. Obviously be nice about this, and explain this to her before she moves in with you.
2. Never move in with a woman.
3. Move to another city/state/province/country with less insane co-habitation laws.
If you thoroughly understand the laws in your area and they are workable in your situation, then you may proceed to step two.
Step Two: Write up a co-habitation agreement and have her sign it with a notary present.
During your attorney visit, you must also inquire about the enforceability of a co-habitation agreement in your city. If it is indeed legally enforceable in your area, have the attorney write one up, or for $15 you can download a boilerplate version from LegalZoom right here. (I would still run it by your attorney though; remember, regional laws vary.)
Take your special lady to your local bank, and in the presence of notary, sign the document, have her sign it, and have the notary sign it and stamp it. Give her a copy of the document, but you keep the original. Make a few electronic copies for yourself, then hide the original in a place she doesn’t have access to, like a safety deposit box she doesn’t have the keys for, or a locked, fireproof safe to which she doesn’t know the combination.
If you find co-habitation agreements are not enforceable where you live, call it off and don’t move in with her. Your options at that point are:
1. Never move in with a woman.
2. Move to another city/state/province/country with less insane co-habitation laws.
If your sweet little angel refuses to sign the co-habitation agreement, call it off and don’t move in with her. Downgrade her to MLTR or FB and go meet some new women so you can find a new OLTR who is more understanding of the modern-day legal risks men incur when they move in with a romantic partner.
Once you have your enforceable co-habitation agreement signed and notarized, then you may move on to step three.
Step Three: Move in together, but make sure just ONE of you are on the lease, mortgage, or deed, NOT BOTH OF YOU.
You move in to HER house or HER apartment, or she moves into YOUR house or YOUR apartment. Don’t put both of your names on anything. If you do, you’re either an idiot or you enjoy drama.
If she refuses to do this and demands that you put both your names on a house or lease, call it off and don’t move in with her. Downgrade her to MLTR or FB and go meet some new women so you can find a new OLTR who is more understanding of the modern-day legal risks men incur when they move in with women.
Step Four: Keep your finances separate once you move in together.
Since most women are communists in their personal lives, once you move in together, she’s going to push very hard to start combining everything. Checking accounts, car loans, cell phone accounts, savings accounts, she’s going to start gently prodding you to begin combining all these things because “it’s easier” or “more convenient” or “just makes sense” or “saves us money.”
Don’t fall for it. This is all part of the feminine processes of betaziation and nesting. She’s not doing this because she’s evil; it’s simply a natural process for her as a woman. Back in the 1950s when people pair-bonded for life and the divorce rate was 7%, combining everything like this would be perfectly fine. But today? With sky-high divorce rates and breakup rates? Hell no. Combining your finances with your live-in girlfriend these days is insane.
NO joint checking accounts. NO joint loans (yes, that includes car loans). NO joint credit cards. NO “family” cell phone accounts. NO joint savings accounts or investments (even if it’s for that “upcoming trip for us to go to Europe”).
Everything you and her want to do financially can be done with separate accounts. If you want to take care of her financially, that’s fine. Give her cash. If you want her to contribute to the household bills, that’s fine. Have her give you cash or write you a check every month for whatever percentage of the bills she needs to cover.
But for god’s sake, don’t set up a joint checking account with both your names on it so she can use it to “pay bills” or “get groceries” or whatever. What happens when she starts bouncing checks or charges out of that account? What happens when you break up (which you probably will)? Again, don’t fall for it.
If at any point in the move-in process she starts bitching that you should have a joint checking account or mobile phone account or whatever, explain to her very clearly that you are NEVER doing this. If she gives you drama about it, you know what to do (call it off, downgrade her, and go find someone else).
Step Five: Don’t go monogamous just because you move in together. Keep having sex with other women, even if just occasionally.
Sometimes, an OLTR who was cool with you having sex with other women when you weren’t living together will suddenly assume that you’ll “go mono” now that you live in the same home. This doesn’t always happen, but I have seen it with many couples where the Alpha gets a little lazy or complacent with his frame.
You need to educate her very clearly before you move in that you are still in a nonmonogamous relationship, and while you will abide by the ground rules you have both agreed upon regarding extra-curricular sex (which is standard for an OLTR relationship), you’re not EVER going to be 100% sexually monogamous. If she has a problem with that, you know what to do (call it off, downgrade her, and go find someone else).
Here’s a very important point. It’s true that once you live with a woman, you’re going to have to put up with a little more drama and rules than you did before, even if you’re in a very low-drama, long-lasting OLTR, your Alpha frame is rock-solid, and she’s utterly amazing. As I’ve said before, even if you’re doing everything right, a 10-20% increase in regular drama is unavoidable when you move in with a woman regardless of the circumstances. (Notice I have not moved in with a woman in the last eight years. This is why. My life is so good I am loathe to incur even a 10% increase in drama from women. If/when I move in with a woman at some point, and I probably will, I’m going to have to suck it up and deal with it.)
Moreover, when you live with any other adult, you’re going to also have a small increase in rules you must follow. It can’t be any other way. So yes, you will have to abide by some more rules from her than you did before. For example, if she demands a rule about not having sex with women in your new shared home, that might be okay. (That’s something you’ll have to clarify with her.)
One final point about having sex with side-women once you move in with your OLTR. You are more than welcome to back way off on it. If before you moved in together you saw one or two side women every week, and once you moved in you only saw them once every four or five weeks, that’s perfectly fine and very normal. What I’m saying is you don’t want to completely stop having sex with women on the side. That’s monogamy, and monogamy equals drama, oneitis, scarcity mentality, betaization, sexual boredom and reduced sex, decreased testosterone, and all kinds of negative crap you’re not going to like. These things won’t happen immediately, but over time they will eventually manifest, no matter how awesome you or her are.
Step Six: Don’t hesitate to NEXT HER or KICK HER OUT if she becomes problematic at any point.
I said that you will probably have to tolerate a little more drama from her now that you’re living together. A little more drama is normal and unavoidable. But, and this is a big BUT, just because she lives with you now does not mean she has the right to start bossing you around like the standard societal wife, or be a bitch.
If she starts getting bossy or bitchy, INSTANT SOFT NEXT! How do you next a woman if she lives with you? Well, in a standard live-in arrangement it’s impossible. However, while a little complicated, in my open relationships ebook I discuss how to structure Dual Live-In OLTRs and Virtual Live-In OLTRs where it is actually possible to next a woman you’re living with.
If she starts getting bossy or bitchy as a new pattern of behavior and nothing else is working, KICK HER OUT. Or if the home is hers, MOVE THE FUCK OUT and get back to your free and happy life. Do not put up with shitty behavior from a woman just because you live with her. Do not assume that you must suffer regular drama from a woman just because you live with her. You don’t. No one has the right to make you unhappy. Never forget that.
Since you’ve followed all the other steps, moving out isn’t the big deal it usually is for societally brainwashed monogamous people. She’s signed an enforceable co-habitation agreement, you have a full understanding of co-habitation law in your city, and you have no combined finances. So you just move out and suffer no hassle. Your finances are all protected and unchanged. Since you were never monogamous, your sex life continues as if nothing happened.
Now that’s how you do it.
Of course, if this all seems like too much work, then just don’t move in with anyone. Have a serious OLTR you see often but who lives in at her own place. That’s always an option too. (Though I know most men reading this will want to move in with a woman at some point in their lives, especially as they get older; myself included).