Often I get questions from guys who have a pretty easy time getting first dates from online dating or “day2s” from daygame, but have real trouble getting that second date.
Before we get into specifics on how to improve your second date ratios, I need to repeat that all-too-important concept: dating and seduction is a numbers game. You cannot avoid this. You cannot deny this. Most importantly, you cannot let this make you upset.
Even if you have the looks of Ryan Gosling, the vibe of Johnny Depp, and the game skills of Mystery, you are still going to have a reasonably significant percentage of women who will never want to see you again after a first date. It could be because you weren’t their type, or because they had a bad day, or because there’s another guy in the picture, or because they had their period at the wrong time, or a hundred other varied and possible reasons you have zero control over no matter how awesome you are.
This is normal, natural, and not something you should get upset about. Dating is a numbers game. It always will be. No one, and I mean no one, has a 100% success rate. (At anything.) Even someone who claims a 90%, 80%, or perhaps even a 70% success rate at getting laid across a prolonged period of time is probably full of shit.
At the same time, if you are having first date after first date and tons of women are vanishing right after, then something is probably off in your game, frame, attitude, or appearance that you need to adjust.
Here are five ways you can raise your odds that a woman will want to see you again (sexually) after a first date, listed in order of importance and prevalence.
1. For Christ sake, stop talking!
If you have lots of women who don’t want to see you after the first date, I can almost guarantee that you’re talking too much. As I’ve explained in detail elsewhere, unlike men, women date to DISqualify. They’re looking for things in you they don’t like.
If you talk a lot, the odds are overwhelming that you’re going to say something that she doesn’t like. If that happens, it’s game over. Most women, even very nice sweet ones, are very picky about this within a first date environment. If you say anything that she disagrees with emotionally, politically, religiously, regarding men or women, or regarding children, you are OUT. This is true even if you state just one sentence she doesn’t like in an entire hour or two of conversation, and even if she is otherwise attracted to you.
I’m not exaggerating. This is how most women work.
This means that during a first date you need to SHUT UP. She should be doing 80% of the talking. The only time you talk should be when you’re asking her questions to keep her talking. Even if she asks you a question, answer it quickly in a neutral manner, then immediately redirect back to her with another question. The person asking the questions is the person in control of the conversation. The more she talks, the less you need to talk. This is good.
There’s an added benefit to this. Women get more comfortable the more they talk. As I’ve said many times, women process the world by talking. The more she talks, the more she’ll like you. This is Dale Carnegie 101. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but again, this is how women work.
2. Dial back the player vibe.
A 100% player vibe is fine if all you’re doing is first-date lays and/or one night stands. But if your game is like mine and revolves around getting to sex on the second date, a 100% player vibe is going to murder your results.
The ideal combination for this style of game is 85% player, 15% provider. Please read this article right here.
Most guys I run into who are decent at getting first dates but horrible at getting second dates are often the ones acting too playerish.
3. Don’t kiss her on the first date. Kino, sex talk, but don’t kiss.
This is huge. I’ve talked about this before both here and on my podcasts. Today I’m going to be as clear as I can about this.
On a first date, unless you know for 99% certainly that you are getting laid on that date, if you kiss a woman, your odds of ever having sex with her on any subsequent date go DOWN.
I have empirical data in my own spreadsheets to back this up, and every guy I’ve given this advice to has reported back that it did make a positive difference. On a first date, kino her, and sex talk her, but do NOT actually kiss her.
If you kiss her, you destroy some of the sexual tension. You also boost post-date ASD and buyer’s remorse. “OMG I don’t even know this guy’s last name and I made out with him!” All bad.
It might feel nice to kiss a woman on a first date, especially when she’s really hot and seems really receptive. But I promise it won’t be nice when she blows you off for the second date, or agrees to a second date but gets pissy when you try to escalate to sex.
I know this may not make sense to your logical male brain, but don’t kiss women on first dates. Trust me, you’ll get laid way more if you don’t kiss. Touch her, have a sexual vibe, talk about sex, keep the date to just 60 minutes, then get the hell out of there. If you want more detail on first-date technique, go here.
Save the kissing (and sex) for the second date.
4. Avoid making any negative statements.
Even if you are following my advice and not talking much, at some point you’ll have to talk a little bit, so you need to watch what you say. A few techniques on this:
– Avoid giving any opinions. This goes double for any opinions regarding politics, religion, women, or children. Save that kind of discussion for after you have sex with her twice. At that point she won’t disqualify you for opinions you have she doesn’t like, but at this point, on the first date pre-sex, she absolutely will hold anything and everything against you..
– Never complain about an ex girlfriend or ex wife. If you are directly asked about why you broke up or got divorced, make a single, simple, summarized, “no big deal” statement, and then re-direct a question back to her.
– Never make any statements that show anger or real frustration on your part.
– Avoid saying anything negative unless you’re clearly being funny, and even then, be careful.
– Talk about enjoyable things. Talk about fun stuff you do. Talk about things that are positive or will at least make her smile.
Any time you talk it should be to make a simple, easy, casual, non-controversial, non-judgmental statement, or to ask a question. A first date is not a time for you to just shoot your mouth off and say whatever you want, and too many men treat it as such. Save that kind of casual talk for when you hang out with your guy buddies (or after you’ve had sex with her twice).
5. Dial back the intimidation factor.
I have noticed that some guys who are great at getting first dates but terrible at getting second ones tend be really intimidating dudes. Either they have a very harsh, strong look that they don’t manage well, or they have an angry vibe, or they have a hidden I-hate-women vibe that bleeds through, or they’re just really, really intense.
If any of that sounds like it might apply to you, you need to relax, chill, and calm the fuck down. A few things you should try:
– Smile more. Laugh more. Joke around more. Life is really funny.
– Don’t argue. Never, ever, ever argue with a woman on a first date. If she says something irrational or insane (and she probably will; she’s a girl), then just smile, agree with her, and change the subject. Do you want her to agree with you or do you want to get laid? Sometimes you can only have one. (I choose laid every time.)
– Control your body language to assume a more relaxed demeanor. Lean back. Relax. Relax your facial muscles. Cool down on the eye contact. A guy who gets laid is not a cool guy or a funny guy, but a relaxed guy. Being relaxed shows outcome independence better than any other frame, and outcome independence is the most attractive quality you can demonstrate to women.
If you do the above five items, you will get to second dates more often.