A common piece of Societal Programming wisdom is that newly-adult men are raving, horny bastards who will have sex with just about anything that moves. These men, assuming they’re not complete pussies, run around like barbarians during their 20s, perhaps even early 30s, and as the old saying goes, “sow their wild oats.” This means they have tons of sex with tons of women and live out all of their crazy sexual fantasies.
Then finally, after they “get all of that out of their system” they’re “ready” to “settle down” like gentlemen, and get married and be forever happy in a monogamous relationship. They’ve gotten all that “bad stuff” “out of their system” so they don’t need to do it any more. They’re now good to go as proper, responsible husbands and fathers.
Is this correct?
The answer is both absolutely yes and hell no.
I shall explain.
Why It’s Right
I think I’ve mentioned before that I have cut way back on the number of women I have sex with as compared to several years ago. Back between 2008 and 2010, I was having my wild years. As a recently divorced guy back then, having finally mastered my newly discovered powers of online dating and seduction, I was having a ball.
During those years I had lots of sex with lots of women. It was during this time I was posting some of these adventures on the now defunct seduction forum, mASF. These reports gained a lot of attention, and from that this entire Blackdragon endeavor was born.
My point is that during that time of my life, I lived out literally every sexual fantasy I have ever had, even going back to my teenage years. You name the common male sexual fantasy, and I’ve probably done it at some point, multiple times, with multiple women. Younger women. Older women. Married women. Cheerleaders. Sexy librarian types. Sex at the office. Celebrities (though minor C list ones). Threesomes. Models. Teachers. Students. Sisters. Mothers and daughters. Perfect 10s. Etc. I’m not going to run down the entire list, but it’s somewhat extensive.
Now that I’ve done all this stuff, guess what? I don’t need to do it any more. Seriously. I have no interest. I haven’t had a threesome in a few years. I have (more or less) stopped dating women under the age of 23. Etc. Why? Because been there, done that, many times. I really don’t need to do it again.
Of course I’m not going to say no if these kinds of things fall into my lap. Of course I’ll take it if it’s offered, and sometimes that happens. But I don’t go after these things any more. My sex life has settled down to 1-2 MLTRs with 1-2 sporadic FBs, and that’s it. Nothing wild or insane or Penthouse-letter-worthy. That’s all I need. All that crazy shit really and truly is “out of my system.”
Why It’s Wrong
That’s how the “get stuff out of your system” thing is correct. Now let’s talk about why it’s completely wrong.
Just because a man goes crazy and lives all of his sexual fantasies, does that now mean he’s ready for monogamy for the rest of his life? Once he’s had sex with 150 women, is he now ready to be sexual with just ONE woman and only one woman for the next 45 years?
Of course you know the answer. I was actually laughing out loud as I typed the above paragraph. Of course the answer is no. A man will never, ever, ever “get over” the hard-coded biological need for sexual variety. The stats regarding breakups, divorce, and cheating (by men) clearly show this. The only exception to the rule is when a man becomes so old he’s unable to have sex any more. And even then, that dirty old bastard will still be flirting with the cute 21 year-old girl at the grocery store checkout stand.
Many Alpha Males and former PUAs/players make this classic mistake. They go have sex with 200 women, then get into their late 30s or early 40s, figure they’re “done,” then settle down and get monogamous with that One Special Girl™ who is Not Like The Rest™, making all the usual excuses about “Well how else can you raise kids?!?”
For a while, they’re very happy. But after the dreaded three-year mark, if not well before, these former players’ eyes start to wander, and in short order they’re cheating on their wives like madmen. Like most men who cheat, they get caught, and then it’s drama from hell if they’re “lucky,” full-on divorce if they’re not.
Hear me on this: No man will ever, EVER get over his need for sexual variety. Dream on all you want. It will never happen. The best you can hope for is that he might be able to temporarily suppress this need for new women for a few years before it arises again.
However, a man can get over his need for crazy, wild sexual fantasies if he actually experiences enough of them. I’ve spoken with other older, sexually experienced men like myself, and almost all of them report the same thing I described above. They’ve done all the crazy stuff, and they really don’t need to do it any more. Of course they’re still men, so they’ll still need sexual variety occasionally, but they don’t need to be out having wild foursomes with big-titted 19 year-old strippers any more.
Women dating me back in 2009 (probably my craziest year of all) had to accept the fact that I was constantly out doing all kinds of crazy and wild sexual shit with all kinds of people. Women in my life today don’t have to worry about that. Of course I’m still never going to be 100% monogamous, because I’m an Alpha Male 2.0, monogamy doesn’t work, and I’m never going to suppress my core male desires for sexual variety. My happiness is too important to me. But at least such a woman doesn’t have to worry that I’ll be out being a crazy, uncontrollable Charlie Sheen type. I just need a little on the side, simply, quietly, and discreetly.
Therefore, my advice to men has always been:
1. DO go out and live your sexual fantasies. Seriously. Make a list of the big sexual fantasies you have, no matter how kinky or anti-Societal Programming they are (though keep them legal, please; you don’t want to go to prison). Then go do them. Get that shit done and over with, and out of your system, so you can look back with wonderful, fond memories instead of kicking yourself about the exciting things that could have been but never can be (because now you’re married or too old or whatever).
2. DON’T ever assume that you’ll ever be “ready” for long-term (3+ years) monogamy, because you won’t. Ever. You’re a man. It doesn’t matter what fantasies you’ve lived or how many women you’ve had sex with, you will always desire sexual variety as a man. It’s how we’re designed. Don’t deny it, don’t bullshit women about this, and don’t bullshit yourself. Trapping yourself into a long-term, utterly monogamous relationship won’t make you happy in the long-term unless you’re a very bizarre exception to the rule (like you have very low testosterone, or you dislike sex, or similar).
Someday overcome your need for crazy fantasies? Yes.
Someday overcome your need for sexual variety? No.
Don’t mix those two up.