I’m going to present a problem that you’ve had with women in your past, or are currently having, in a way you’ve probably never thought of before. When you first read it, it may not make any sense. Trust me on this one and keep going, hopefully you’ll not only see my point, but also why I’m right.
If you try to have sex with, try to date, or get into a relationship a woman you consider very hot, perhaps an 8, 9, or 10 to you, and she rejects you, your default thought as a man is usually something like this:
“She was too hot, smart, desirable or high SMV for me.”
In other words, you weren’t good enough for her. Because women are the biological sexual choosers and men are the chasers, this is men’s standard assumption.
And yeah, sometimes this is the case. Sometimes you aren’t perceived by this hottie as confident enough, or good-looking enough, or wealthy enough, or whatever.
But is this always the case?
If there is something seriously wrong with you, then perhaps so. If you’re hyper-needy, have horrible game, have horrible social skills, are physically deformed, or weigh 400 pounds, then okay, I would that agree that you’re probably right in thinking that you weren’t “good enough” (in terms of their perception) for women who deny you.
However, if you’re a more or less normal looking guy and have at least an average level of confidence and social skills, is this still the case? Is every hot woman who is turning you down doing so because she perceives you as not good enough for her?
This might be true in a daygame scenario where you banter with a woman for two minutes, try to get her number, she says no, and you never see her again. It may also apply in an online dating scenario where she glances at your profile, decides to not respond to your opener, and moves on. Maybe.
What if she actually knows you a little, like she’s spent at least 30 minutes talking to you in real life? Or if she’s been on a date or two with you? Or in some cases, has actually had sex with you a few times and you’re trying to get more serious? If she denies you at any of these points, is it always because she doesn’t consider you worth the time because she is Ms. Hottie McHotterson and you’re too low on the sexual marketplace scale for her?
Sometimes, maybe. But more often than you realize, I think the answer is the exact opposite. I think she thinks that on some level, you are too good for her.
There have been a few times where I knew a woman, or was actively dating a woman, and we got along great, but she pulled away from me. I knew for a fact that it wasn’t because there was another man in her life, and I knew for a fact that it had nothing whatsoever to do with nonmonogamy. These were women who were clearly attracted to me on certain levels. They were plenty hot too.
This confused me at the time until I understood what was going on. One of these women told me, “You’re a lot to handle.” Another one kept saying, “I don’t understand why you’re still single!”
Recognizing these as typical, meaningless, woman-language statements, I pulled out my handy dandy woman-to-English translation device and decoded what they were saying so that I could understand in simple and direct language. The translation was:
“I can’t be with you, because you’re too far beyond me.”
If a woman of low or moderate self esteem perceives you as very confident, or very successful, or desired by other women (even if these things aren’t actually true), she will often pass you by because she feels that she can’t be with someone that much better than her. More importantly, this is true even if she’s extremely attractive.
Men forget that there are a lot of super hot, but low or midrange self esteem women out there. If one of these women don’t want to be with you, it’s not necessarily because she doesn’t think you’re good enough for her, it’s actually because she’s intimidated by your (perceived or real) awesomeness and/or value.
This reality, which happens more often than you think, gets lost with men today because of all the bitching and whining in the manosphere about how women these days only want ripped six-pack studs or wealthy millionaires. That doesn’t mean there aren’t tons of hot women walking around there with serious self esteem issues. There are. More than you think.
As a matter of fact, I think both the stagnant economy and the recent sugar baby phenomenon has started to exacerbate this. Instead of the 90s and 2000s woman who declared “I’m a Strong Independent Woman™ who Doesn’t Need A Man™”, the woman of the 2010s is slowly transforming into “I’ve fucked up my life, so now I need an older guy to help pay my bills so I don’t starve.”
Do you think that’s good for women’s self esteem or bad?
Forgetting Your Value
A common problem with men is that we tend to forget out own value in the sexual marketplace. Women are constantly getting hit on and drooled over, so they never forget. Women don’t do this to men, even to men of high value, unless they’re celebrities.
As men, we often forget how attractive to women we actually are. Right after my divorce, I was legitimately surprised that attractive women on dating sites were actually agreeing to go out on dates with me. Let me say that again, because I’m very serious; I was surprised. I was almost a little confused. Why would these attractive women want to go out with me?
The reason why I thought this was because I had been married and monogamous for nine long years. That means for nine years there was no dating and no women giving me compliments or demonstrating that I was attractive in any way. All I had was the standard non-sexual, post-three-year-mark, stressed out wife who complained about everything. Not good for reinforcing your own attractiveness as a man.
I’ve talked to a lot of divorced guys, or guys recently out of a long-term monogamous relationship, or guys recently off a long-term dry spell who experienced the same thing. Once they were back in the dating pool, these men were shocked that attractive women actually showed interest in them.
You need to remember that just because women aren’t throwing themselves at you doesn’t mean you’re not highly desirable by a large number of attractive women. It’s easy for us to forget, and it’s easy for us to assume that the women who don’t go for us are automatically doing so because we’re not desirable enough.
Often this isn’t the case.