My wife tells me what to do all the time. ~Donald Trump
A new buzz phrase has appeared lately and many of you have commented or emailed me about it; “Alpha Provider.” Many of you have asked what my opinion of this is, which is surprising, since I’ve been discussing and supporting the concept of a pair bonded Alpha Male who takes care of a woman for about, oh, seven years now.
But there’s a catch. We’ll get to that in a minute.
Just to show what other guys have been saying this, Chase has articles about it here and here. Return of Kings has an article about it here and Roosh has one here. I’m sure there are many more. As I’ve explained before, since guys in the PUA / manosphere realms are finally aging into their 30s and beyond, there is an increased interest in the topic of long-term pair bonding. (For the record, I know Chase and think he’s a really great guy. I have never directly communicated with Roosh, nor with most of the writers at RoK, though I do like some of them, particularly Aaron Clarey).
I have read all of these articles, and nitpick points aside I agree with their overall position. That is that eventually, when you get older, you’re going to want to settle down with a Special Lady™ in some form or fashion, and it’s very important to remain Alpha when you do so. Well, duh. I’ve been saying this for almost a decade, even when it wasn’t popular with a community that was mostly interested in getting laid and not much else. (Back in circa 2009-2011, I was repeatedly attacked in the PUA community for “focusing too much on relationships” instead of focusing on pickup and game.) I have also stated numerous times that a live-in OLTR, or variation thereof, is my eventual goal.
This wasn’t because I was smarter or more forward thinking than everyone else; it was because I entered into this world as a 35 year-old man who already had two kids. Therefore, my view of these things has always been a longer-term one as compared to some horny 24 year-old dude with no kids who’s just focused on banging chicks. As an older guy, even when I was in my hardcore banging chicks phase (an important phase to go through), I clearly understood that it was temporary and that I would be looking to pair bond again once it was over, and thus had to plan accordingly.
So clearly I agree with the overall concept. Where’s the problem then?
The problem is not what these articles say. What they say is fine. The problem is with what they imply or don’t say.
Live with a woman, have kids with a woman, and/or take care of a woman (if you can easily afford it)? Fine. But in all the articles on this topic I’ve seen, the strong implication is that the Alpha Provider:
1. Becomes legally married to his wife.
2. Is monogamous.
Now we have a problem.
As I’ve been saying for years and years, and backing up with numerous facts and statistics…
Pair bonding with a woman is fine. Loving a woman is fine. Living with a woman, as long as you take precautions, is fine. Having children with a woman and raising a family, as long as you take precautions, is fine. These are all wonderful things. I’ve done them myself and will likely do them again. Alpha Provider…fine.
However, as soon as you add absolute sexual monogamy to the mix, or corrupt, anti-man government into the mix via legal marriage, you’ve gone from Alpha Provider to Delusional Idiot. You have now set several nuclear-strength time bombs all over your life that will detonate at any time in the next 3-15 years. Then have fun with massive drama at best, huge legal problems and financial devastation at worst.
If you like drama or don’t mind drama, then by all means, ignore my advice, stop reading my stuff, get legally married, promise forever monogamy, expect it from her, and be Mr. Temporary Alpha Husband. You’ll be in NRE married / kids bliss for a few years (likely about three) and then it’s all going to blow up in your face when she catches you cheating and/or when she divorces your ass, either of which extremely likely because of the fact you’re an Alpha. As I’ve said before, submissive, pussy beta males actually have less-bad odds of making a long-term monogamous relationship/marriage work than you as an Alpha ever will.
If you don’t like drama and enjoy being happy, then if/when you become an Alpha Provider, follow the system I’ve described at this blog and in my books. Find woman qualified, sign an enforceable co-habitation agreement, move in with her, sign and file a parenting plan before she gets pregnant, don’t get legally married, keep your finances separate (though you can still take care of her if you wish) and keep things at least somewhat sexually open so you can discreetly get a little on the side. Then live your family man life and have your kids. Millions of men all over the Western world are quietly doing this right now. It works.
If you think that won’t work, please read this and this, and read this book and this one, along with various other articles I’ve written on this topic. If you read all the data I provide as well as all the proven principles and techniques men in these types of provider scenarios use, and you still think it doesn’t work, then you’re just being irrationally stubborn.
The Default Manosphere Advice
Let’s compare my advice to the typical advice given in this area. The default, Alpha Male 1.0, marriage 1.0, manosphere, PUA advice that is always given, or at least strongly implied, regarding Alpha Provider and settling down always boils down to this:
1. Heavily screen for a super submissive woman that hasn’t had sex with very many men yet.
2. Legally marry her, and get monogamous and have kids.
3. Be super Alpha and badass and always show her who’s boss.
4. Cross your fingers and hope it all works out.
Listen pal. If that method worked, you wouldn’t be seeing men all over the PUA and manosphere getting divorced left and right. If that was the secret sauce to making forever marriage work, divorce rates would be going down, when in fact, among people who still actually get married, divorce rates are skyrocketing in all age groups, all over the Western world.
Clearly this method doesn’t fucking work. If you follow this method, I’m going to bet real money that you’ll end up in divorce court in a few years fighting over your right to see your own kids. And I’ll be right.
A lot of you need to wake the fuck up. This is not 1952 any more. This right wing fantasy doesn’t exist (unless you want to move to the third world and stay there forever). I’m simply astounded that in the 2010s men are still falling for this “traditional marriage will work as long as you’re Alpha” shit. Are there unusual exceptions to the rule? Of course. As always, the exceptions prove the rule and you have no idea if you’re one of these exceptions on your wedding day.
There’s mountains of evidence of it not working staring you right in the face and you still choose to ignore it. Sad.
Does that mean my option is perfect? Of course not. There are no more perfect options for raising kids. Mine is simply the least bad one. Statistically speaking, you will probably still get divorced under my option as well. The difference is your sex life, your finances, and your custody of your kids will still be in your control within reason. That’s Alpha. Promising her that you’ll never fuck other women and letting her put a gun to your head in the form of legal marriage is not.
Alpha Provider is great, but you’ve got to do it under the model conducive to the real world and not some right wing guy-Disney fantasy.