What Do You Give Up in a Nonmonogamous Marriage?

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DJ asks an interesting question in a recent comment: Reading other manosphere blogs I get the impression that they perceive open relationships as “alpha fucks beta bucks” kind of thing, where the woman gets your commitment (beta bux) plus sex with hot guys on the side who don’t give commitment (alpha fux), i.e. she fulfills her female imperative and gets your valuable asset (commitment), while you don’t get her valuable asset (sexual exclusivity). If you could write a post to address that fear/point of view men have, I think it could become a very important post and make more guys open to your ideas.

-By Caleb Jones

This is one of those things where, even if I explain it fully, I’m not going to change any minds. If you’re a hardcore Alpha Male 1.0, or alt-right-winger, or typical angry manosphere devotee, you’re not going to support the concept of nonmonogamous relationships or marriage no matter what facts I present to you. You’re just going to clench your fists, burn with anger, and tell me I’m crazy. “Fuck facts, statistics, biology, psychology, and history! Fuck all that, and fuck you Blackdragon! You’re just a dumb cuck who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about! You’re not Alpha!”

Then once you calm down, you’re going to continue your search for your Unicorn Woman who doesn’t exist, eventually get legally married and monogamous because That’s What A Real Man Does™, and eventually get your ass handed to you in a divorce, which is what older manosphere and PUA gurus always end up doing. Once you’re in family court, spending thousands of dollars for the right to see your own children, then, maybe, maybe you’ll be able see reality at that point. Maybe.As I’ve said before, I get “Okay BD you were right” emails on a regular basis from manosphere and PUA guys who bashed me several years before regarding my views on sexual monogamy, who got monogamous and then a few years later broke up and/or became divorced just like I said they would.

As I’ve also said before, if you are an Alpha Male, you are less capable of making long-term monogamy work than the typical beta. The typical beta out there who’s only had sex with six women in his entire life has less bad odds of making a lifetime monogamous marriage work than the former PUA or player Alpha Male who’s banged 87 women before finally getting married and monogamous (just because he’s crossed over age 35 and suddenly realizes he wants to have kids or something like that).

Once the NRE dies down, that guy’s going to cheat like a mad dog, and his Western wife isn’t going to tolerate that shit in the long run no matter how Alpha he is or how religious or virginal she is. She’ll divorce his ass, take his house and his kids, and then he’ll go right back to the angry manosphere sites and bitch about how “selfish” and “disloyal” women are “today.”

That’s the background. Let’s get into the actual argument.
Let’s compare three scenarios...

Scenario 1: Alpha Fux, Beta Bux
This is the typical scenario the manosphere warns about, and one I described a few years ago when I talked about the Story of Poindexter. This is when a cute girl goes around and fucks a bunch of players and Alphas during her 20s, then snags an average looking (or even slightly ugly), submissive, sexually inexperienced, higher income beta male to marry sometime in her late twenties or thirties.

She then lives off of his income while he worships the ground she walks on, despite her reduced sexual market value as an over-30 woman. Per the monogamous model, at some point between the wedding and the three year mark, she gets bored and backs off on the sex. Being a beta, he puts up with it.

She receives: money, commitment
He receives: sexual exclusivity (maybe; don't forget our historically high infidelity stats)Clearly, she gets the better deal. They both get commitment but she gets money too. He doesn’t get any money. As a matter of fact, he now has to spend more money since being married is more expensive than being single when you’re a man. She also gets a lot of sex before she gets married (from her Alpha fux), but the beta gets little or no sex before the marriage (since he’s a beta and not getting laid much) and after three year mark, when feminine married boredom sets in and sex with her husband becomes ew-icky.

Eventually, she follows the statistics and divorces his ass. Then...
She receives: free money
He receives: nothing
So yeah, Alpha fux and beta bux is a bad deal for a man. No question about it.
Now let's look at what these manosphere guys recommend...

Scenario 2: The Manosphere-Approved Marriage, i.e. “Alpha Disney”
This is the kind of marriage that would be approved by manosphere guys like Roosh and Heartiste, as well as many men in the alt-right movement like Vox Day, Gavin McInnes, and numerous others. This is when you Alpha-up in your 20s and early 30s, and have sex with a lot of “sluts” (their word, not mine). You learn pickup skills and get really good at getting laid. You fuck scores, if not hundreds of women and have a great time.

Then, around age 35 or older, when your cock is bent in half from overuse, you suddenly realize you want to settle down but have no idea how. Following your emotions, religion and Societal Programming rather than reality, facts and objectivity, you search for your 22 year-old virgin or near virgin Unicorn Woman who hasn’t been with very many men and has a submissive personality. After years of frustrating searching you finally think you find her, rejoice, and get legally married, putting the gun of the state to your head. (You don't bother with a prenuptial agreement. You don't need one because You Know What You're Doing™ and She's A Christian™ and thus She's Not Like The Rest™.)

You don’t want her to work, because A Woman's Place Is In The Home™ and I’ll Take Care Of Her™, so you financially support her...just like the beta financially supports his wife (or close to it).

Being the Alpha Male 1.0 you are, you spend the next several years bossing her around and running her life. During the first year or two, when NRE is still going strong, she loves it and cooperates. Over time, she starts to get tired of it and fights back. Drama and arguments are commonplace in your marriage, but you don’t care. A Real Man Stands His Ground™ and Laws Down The Law™, so you just keep right on with the drama and justify that it's "worth it."
You crank out two or three kids with her (or more!) because That’s What A Real Man Does™ and That’s What Jesus Wants™. Once New Baby NRE is over, happiness drops and stress increases for both of you. Finally you can’t stand it anymore and go get laid with some hot young babe on the side. You do your best to keep your wife from finding out, but that’s impossible for you, so she catches you. Enter drama unleashed from hell. Now you’re truly in an Alpha Male 1.0 marriage.
So what’s the breakdown this time?
She receives: money, commitment for a while until you cheat
He receives: sexual exclusivity (maybe; don't forget our historically high infidelity stats)

Hmm. Doesn’t that look familiar? Why yes, it’s almost the same as the beta male marriage. She gets your money, you get sexual exclusivity (maybe). The only difference is that the commitment she gets from you is temporary, i.e. she gets commitment only until she catches you cheating on her, which she will.
But let’s continue.

Eventually, things snap, and you join the statistics of the 70%+ divorce odds for people getting married in the Western world today. Then you find yourself in family divorce court, fighting for the right to see your own kids while avoiding alimony, while standing right next to the beta male above, who is also getting divorced.

It’s worse for you though, since unlike that beta, you’re going to fight. Because That Bitch Isn’t Taking My Kids™. The divorce goes from bad to worse. When the dust settles, after thousands of dollars of attorney fees and stress the likes of which you’ve never experienced, you’re right back on the manosphere web sites again, screaming about how horrible women are.
She receives: free money
He receives: nothing
You could argue that the man also received children, but as I’ve explained many times before (seemingly to deaf ears sometimes), you can have and raise children without legal marriage or sexual monogamy. I have two chapters in my book on exactly how to do that.

Alright. Enough of those two nightmares. Now let’s look a third scenario, the Alpha Male 2.0 version I endorse.Scenario 3: The nonmonogamous marriage (OLTR Marriage, Swinger Marriage, or something similar)

In this scenario, you start out just like the manosphere guy. You Alpha-up, build up your pickup and dating skills, and get laid a lot. However, you know in advance that this get laid phase is just a temporary phase in your life. When you get a little older, you’re going to want to settle down, you know this is coming, and you prepare for this mentally, emotionally, and financially while you’re having sex with all these hot babes.Eventually, one woman rises above all the rest, qualifies for OLTR, and you slowly, carefully move her into that role, following all the rules, without getting stupid, Disney delusional, or oneitis. You move in with her under the auspices of an enforceable co-habitation agreement. You do not legally marry her, or if you’re lucky enough to live in a region that allows for an enforceable prenuptial agreement (and most places in the Western world do not), you marry her with one of those.

You keep right on fucking women on the side, and she’s aware of it. Will she fuck men on the side too? She might, she might not. Based on my experience, it’s about a 50/50 chance. Let’s take the worst case scenario and say she does, at least eventually. Even if she does, she doesn’t do it consistently like you are; she only does it very sporadically and there are many years where she doesn’t do it at all.

You have kids with her if you both want them, but unlike the beta and the manosphere Alpha 1.0, you have kids in a way where you have a huge amount of legal protection in case of a later breakup or divorce, which you know is statistically likely no matter how Alpha you are or how submissive or virginal she is.You financially take care of her only if you want. Perhaps you do. Or perhaps you'll do what I would do, and you tell her that she must have a job and her own income at all times and that she needs to pull her weight in terms of financially supporting the household, at least as much as she’s able. “You wanted equality with men,” you tell her, “Well, now you’ve got it, Sweetheart. Get your ass to work, and hand over your paycheck to me when you get paid so I can pay our mutual rent and living expenses.”

Unlike the beta male, she can’t tell you want to do. If she tries, you just laugh and ignore her. Unlike the Alpha Male 1.0, you don’t tell her what to do either, so drama is minimal. She receives: companionship
He receives: companionship
Neither party receives money. Neither party receives sexual exclusivity. Unlike with the first two scenarios, neither party receives more than the other. It’s not perfect, but it’s fair. He doesn’t get screwed.

But there’s still that pesky 70% divorce rate, right? Does doesn’t that still apply? Yes, it does. Eventually she divorces him because that’s what most women do. And...nothing happens. She just moves out and gets no money (unless he wants to give her some because he feels its fair, but that’s completely up to him). He keeps right on having sex with his side-women just as always. If they have kids, there is no legal battle; they just do what the pre-filed parenting plan says to do. It’s not fun getting divorced of course, but there is no lasting damage to his finances, his sex life, or his fatherhood.

None of these three scenarios are perfect, but which of them is least bad for the man? I already know the answer, but you be the judge.

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