This is one of the most important blog posts I’ve ever made. I hope you understand how important this is.
It’s a tough one. It is the single most difficult thing men have trouble understanding about women in relationships. Even very woman-experienced men have trouble with this one. The primary reason is because the concept I’m about to describe goes against logic and masculine thought processes in so many different ways that it’s going to be extremely hard for your man-brain to grasp, no matter how high your IQ is or how educated you are. Even worse, most women don’t even understand this, even though it’s happening within their own minds right at this moment.
Like I said, it’s a tough one. However, if you can get this, it will transform your life.
I thought long and hard about how to convey this difficult concept, and realized that words alone probably wouldn’t do it. Instead, I’m going to take you through a series of charts, step-by-step, to explain what I’m talking about and to make it as easy for this concept to penetrate your logical, manly man-brain as possible.
I’m not being facetious. This concept took me decades to understand myself, and to this day I often forget it, because this concept is so bizarre to my masculine, rational, logical outlook on life.
I’m going to start with the first chart, level one:
This is only the first level of several “levels” that I’m about to explain. I haven’t even gotten to the difficult part yet, and already I’m describing something most men in society don’t understand.
This is the reality that, in a sexual or romantic relationship, the more you comply with a woman’s demands, desires, parameters, and rules, the lower her attraction for you becomes over time. This is beta male 101. If your girlfriend demands you to do this and that, and stop doing this and that and this, and you agree to all of it, her attraction for you drops, at least eventually. She may still love you, she may still want to be with you, but she won’t be quite as turned on by you anymore.
If you’ve read a decent amount of PUA or manosphere books or blogs, you already know this concept, but the typical guy walking around out there has no idea that this is how women work. They think that doing everything a woman says will “make her like me more.” No dumbass, it’s actually quite the opposite. If you keep saying “Yes ma’am” to everything she demands, in short order you’re going to be confused when you try to have sex with her and she’s says she’s not in the mood or too tired. Her attraction for you has dropped like a stone, because you complied with all of her wishes. (There are many biological and societal reasons for this that I’ve described before, but that’s a discussion for another time.)
I don’t like it, I don’t agree with it, and you probably don’t either, but it’s how women work whether we like it or not, and whether we understand it or not.
Alright, now let’s dial up the difficultly level a notch and move to the second level:
This is the simple inverse. If she makes a demand and you refuse to go along with it, her attraction for you increases. How much it increases really depends on you, her, and the particular scenario or demand/desire she states. At a bare minimum, refusing to cave in to her demands/desires maintains the attraction she has for you, rather than causing it to drop like the beta male above.
Gently saying no to a woman’s demand actually makes them more attracted to you, or at least maintains the current level of attraction they have. Saying yes to all of their demands reduces attraction.
Crazy, I know, but that’s how this works.
With me so far? Good. Now, we’re really going to jack up the difficultly level and really make your man-brain hurt:
Here’s an example of what this graph is explaining. It’s a very common one; you’re a badass Alpha Male with a long history of banging lots of chicks. You start dating one who is Not Like The Rest™ and get oneitis. One day she demands that you stop having sex with all other woman but her. You reluctantly agree to her demand.
How does she outwardly react? She’s joyful! She throws her arms around you, tells you how much she loves you, gives you a big kiss, then goes off to tell all of her friends and family that she has the best boyfriend in the world and has probably found The One™.
Your logical, masculine man-brain says this: “I did what she wanted. She’s happy now. She loves me. She likes me more now. This is good. I played this one correctly.”
Your man-brain is completely and utterly misreading the entire scenario. As the above chart shows, her outward demonstration of satisfaction has increased, but her attraction has still gone down. She’s happier, yes, because you complied, but her attraction for you as a masculine, attractive man has just dropped a few points. Over time, it will continue to drop.
Moreover, her satisfaction is temporary. Over time, your new condition of compliance will start to bore her. This is why women initiate 70-80% of all divorces and end three-fourths of all boyfriend-girlfriend relationships.
The point is, in that moment where she’s jumping for joy, you don’t see any of these internal machinations. All you see is that she demanded something, you complied, and that made her happy. Your man-brain starts thinking that you should keep on complying with her demands more, so as to make her happier in the long-term. It’s opposite of reality.
Okay. Here’s the final level, the one hardest for your man-brain to understand and remember:
Here’s another example. You start having sex with a new woman and a week later you decide to make her a MLTR, which is perfectly fine. The next day while you’re both hanging out, she tells you she wants you to start calling her every day. She explains that’s what her last (beta) boyfriend did, and the last one before that. She says that’s what a gentleman does and doing it shows her that you consider her important.
Remembering the MLTR relationship rules, you then respond by saying that you’re happy to talk to her sporadically throughout the week, but talking to her on the phone literally every day, seven days a week, is not something you’re interested in doing, nor have time to do, because of your packed schedule. (Internally, you remind yourself that if she was an OLTR, it might be a different story, but an MLTR? Hell no.)
How does she react? She’s pissed! She snorts and starts insulting you, saying that clearly you don’t give a shit about her and are treating her like crap, and that maybe she should go find someone else who “treats her right.” And while she’s sitting there, frustrated and bitching, her attraction to you just shot up 10 points.
Again, you don’t see any attraction at all. It’s all internal, going on behind the scenes. You just see an angry, frustrated, insulted woman that you’re trying to keep in your life. Your man-brain observes what’s happening and says, “I did not do what she wanted. Now she’s upset. She doesn’t like me anymore. I just made a big mistake.”
And once again, your man-brain is completely wrong. Even though she’s frustrated and upset, she’s also attracted. That’s right; these two things are happening inside her at the same time.
This is why millions of men all over the world are completely confused as to why women date assholes that they (the women) always complain about. That’s because often, not always but often, attraction and frustration come together in the same package, at the same time.
Your brain doesn’t work like this. Unless you’re an exception to the rule, when a woman you’re seeing acts like a “bitch” (in your eyes), it doesn’t attract you at all. It either turns you off or it maintains the attraction you have for her without increasing it. If she doesn’t adhere to your demands, you’re going to get so turned off that you’ll either dump her or you might keep having sex with her if she’s really hot, but you’re going to downgrade her to FB. I’ve done both of these things many times myself.
So does that mean that in order to maintain attraction, you never comply with anything a woman asks for or demands?
If she’s a FB, you never comply with anything she asks, ever. She’s an FB, and if she doesn’t like it, she’s free to leave you and go have sex with some other guy.
Doing this results in FBs who are hugely attracted to you. Over time, if you do this correctly, you’ll have a large portfolio of FBs who constantly come and go (between monogamous beta male boyfriends and/or husbands) because they are so attracted to you because you never comply with anything they ask for or demand (assuming they ask for anything; FBs know they’re FBs so they usually won’t). You’re not an asshole with these women of course; you’re still a happy and polite guy. You’re just a happy and polite guy who is really good at nicely saying no. (This is the opposite of the beta male, who is a happy and polite guy who says yes to everything.)
Your FBs can’t really complain about it either because the two of you aren’t dating; you’re just friends with benefits. This is one of the many reasons why FBs are so enjoyable and drama-free.
If she’s a MLTR, you also don’t comply with anything relationship related or demands that she gives (unless they’re within the standard nonmonogamous relationship rules), however, the situation is a little more complicated (though not as tough as it sounds). With a MLTR, you’re going to be demonstrating a lot more romantic-ish behaviors than with a FB, so the MLTR will be getting at least some of her Societal Programming and Disney desires fulfilled. This is unlike the FB who doesn’t get any of that stuff. That takes some of the pressure off. Things like dates and spending the night are okay with these women.
However, for the same reasons, it’s more likely that a MLTR will demand boyfriend behaviors which will make her satisfied and temporarily happy, but will murder her attraction for you in the long run. (This desire to demand boyfriend stuff is doubled if she’s over the age of 33.)
You have to stay strong and nicely, gently, say no. And she’ll get frustrated, and her attraction for you will skyrocket even if she looks pissed off. Again, this is how women work.
What about an OLTR? With an OLTR, yes, you’re going to have to comply on some things, assuming you want a relationship that lasts longer than 6-24 months. (If you honestly don’t care if the relationship ends sooner than that, then you can ignore all this advice and do whatever you like.) An OLTR is a girlfriend or wife, and under those conditions, you must make some compromises, not a lot, but some, to maintain relationship longevity and harmony. As I’ve talked about in my books, you need to keep these compromises infrequent and minor, but you do need to make some of them. If you never want to do this, you should never have an OLTR.
Doesn’t this mean her attraction for you will drop when you do this? Sadly, yes, at least a little. This is the price you pay for long-term pair-bonding. A woman in an OLTR relationship with a guy for three years is going to be less sexually attracted to him than a woman in a FB relationship with a guy for three years, even if it’s the same guy.
I didn’t say that OLTR woman doesn’t still deeply love the man, care for the man, want to be with the man, or have a deep, spiritual connection for the man. That can all still be true. The issue is that love and connection are different than attraction. When that guy goes to have sex with that OLTR woman, her horniness for him will be at least a little less than any other woman in a FB or MLTR relationship with a man who isn’t complying with her demands at all.
If a guy in an OLTR gets complacent or lazy and complies with most or all of her demands, at that point he’s simply in a de faco monogamous relationship. It’s a very common scenario with Alphas. Her attraction for him eventually plummets into the abyss. Drama and/or a breakup is quick to follow, just like it would with a beta.
This is why an OLTR can be such a complicated dance at times. You have to comply just enough to maintain harmony and a long-lasting relationship, but not too much that it creates drama, betaization, bullshit, sexual boredom (on her part), demands and breakups. It’s not always easy. I’ve been in an OLTR for most of this year, and it definitely takes more attention to pull this off than with FBs and MLTRs, which I’ve always considered near-effortless. (Side note: I’ll be discussing this woman and our relationship in greater detail next week. A lot of you guys keep asking me for details about this. Check back next week and I’ll tell you all about it.)
But Won’t She Leave?
If you have a FB or MLTR to whom you’re not complying with at all, won’t she eventually get pissed off enough to leave you, even if she’s still attracted to you? YES. That’s exactly what an LSNFTE is. They’re very normal and typical. However, in your focus on what happens, you’re forgetting the reason why this happens, and the end result of what happens. She leaves you not because she’s not attracted to you, but because she’s frustrated with you. There’s a huge difference in how these two things eventually play out.
This is why I have a 94% return rate for women who leave me, versus the typical beta male who never gets to have sex, ever again, with his traditional, monogamous ex-girlfriend who dumped him. They dumped me because they were frustrated with me. She dumped him because she wasn’t attracted to him anymore. A woman isn’t going to fuck you if she isn’t attracted to you, so if that monogamous beta tries to get with his girlfriend again, he’s likely going to fail.
But if my ex-FBs and ex-MLTRs are all still attracted to me, all I have to do is wait a few months or perhaps about a year or two, and they’ll be right back to me once they get bored with their current boyfriends or husbands who are complying with everything they want and murdering her attraction.
In other words, if a woman leaves me because she’s frustrated but still attracted to me, I don’t care at all, and consider that a win. There’s a 94% chance she’ll be back to have sex with me again. Yet if a woman dumps you because she’s not attracted to you any more, that really sucks and you blew it, because that’s likely a permanent loss. By complying with everything she demanded because she looked happy when you did it, you’ve ensured you’re never going to see her naked ever again now that she’s dumped your ass. Since, statistically speaking, women are going to eventually dump you / divorce you at some point anyway, you might as well ensure that when it happens, it happens for the least-bad reasons and for the highest odds of her returning to you.
I hope I’ve been able to explain this in a way that makes sense. As I said, if you truly get what I’ve just described and put it into practice in your life, it will transform your entire relationship life, or perhaps your whole life altogether.