This is the fourth installment of the book that I never published, regarding my history with women and the lessons I have learned from it. If you haven’t yet, you should read parts one, two, and three before you read the article below, so you can be up to speed on where the story picks up. The story is all 100% true to the best of my memory, but all the names of the people described have been changed.
We last left off in 2007, when I was 34 years old, where I had just gotten divorced and had sex with Marci, the first woman I had sex with since the divorce and the first woman other than my ex-wife in almost ten years…
Early to mid 2007:
I was free!!! No longer married (though the legal divorce was still proceeding), now officially single, now completely free to do whatever I wanted, free to manage my money and time any way that I wanted, and fuck whomever I wanted! After living in the bondage of traditional monogamous marriage for so long… it was FUCKING AWESOME!
Once the pain of the divorce was over, which took about two months (I’m a happy INTJ and bounce back fast), I was so happy that I lack the words to describe it. There were days during this time where I would burst out laughing in my car for no reason. As I’ve talked about many times in this blog, once the pain of the divorce is over, most men, post-divorce, experience the greatest, happiest feelings they’ve ever felt, and I was in the middle of it. The joy was intoxicating.
Though I didn’t know it at the time, my testosterone levels were probably at least doubling. I was working hard, having sex with Marci regularly, setting new goals, flirting with women, exercising for the first time in years (and liking it!), spending time with my kids without their there mom to interfere, and was feeling on top of the world.
It was then when I executed the next part of my plan: online dating. I knew absolutely nothing about it, other than a few stories I had heard from a few single guy friends and family members.
I knew nothing about real-life dating either. I was ten years out of practice, and the only knowledge I had was some basic generalities I had learned from the Tom Leykis radio show and David DeAngelo’s email newsletter, my only two sources of dating information back then.
I didn’t care. I attacked it like I attacked any business problem or financial project: set a specific goal, do the research, make a plan, execute the plan, track the results very carefully, don’t get to pissed off about the failures along the way, make modifications as you go, track the results of the modifications, keep doing what works, and stop doing what doesn’t work. I didn’t see any reason why dating and having sex with women couldn’t be a system just like any other complex problem or goal.
I knew my goal: to have steady, long-term, ongoing sexual relationships with at least two or three women who I didn’t have to lie to or promise monogamy to. I didn’t know anyone who had ever done such a thing, but that didn’t stop me. I was so damn excited; I knew I could do it. Now that there was this new thing called online dating, I wouldn’t even have to leave my home to find women! I was pumped!
I took a few pictures of myself with my digital camera, and made profiles on Match.com and Yahoo Personals, the two biggest dating sites at the time. Then I scoured the profiles of the women on these sites, always focusing on the blonde ones.
There were tons of women on there! Some of them were actually hot! I was stunned. I couldn’t believe it.
I fired off openers left and right, always using spreadsheets to keep careful track of how many and to which types of women I messaged, so as to track my results and improve.
I did a lot wrong. My profile was too blunt and contained too much guy-logic.. My pictures weren’t that great. My openers were too long. Sometimes my online dating communication was too needy, other times it was too on the asshole side. I had trouble finding the sweet spot. (If only I had my online dating book back then!)
I had some women insult me, others lie to me, and yet others ghost me. Undaunted, I kept going. Eventually, and it took a while, I actually started scheduling real-life first dates.
I kept seeing Marci during this time, about twice a week. However, this time I knew better. Never again would I fall into the prison of monogamy. Never again would I chop off my balls for a woman. Still fresh from both the pain and the high of the divorce, and not yet back to my normal, rational self, I became a rabid, anti-monogamy zealot. Anyone doing monogamy was obviously a weak willed idiot, and I wasn’t going to be one of them.
So, almost as soon as Marci and I started having sex, I sat her down and laid it all out for her. Very stupidly, I over-verbalized everything. I told her we would hang out and have sex, but that we weren’t exclusive. We could both have sex with other people if we wanted. I expected her to get angry, or to call me names. Instead, she reluctantly… agreed.
What? She… agreed? She was blonde and hot and had big boobs… why would she agree to something like this? My mind went crazy with the implications. You mean some women will actually agree to this? If you just tell them? WTF?
What else had I not been told about women? What else had society lied to me about regarding females? Could society have been this wrong about them?
My already heightened excitement boosted even higher. I had my first, official, nonmonogamous relationship, on my very first try! More importantly, if Marci was cool with me actually having sex with other women, then certainly I could find some other women who would also be okay with it! I couldn’t wait to schedule more first dates!
However, I had made my first error. I was verbalizing my man-logical relationship framework to a woman. All that does is turn women off to exactly what you are trying to do in the first place. Much later, I learned to just do what you want in a relationship and verbalize nothing. That works much better. Sadly, I wasn’t experienced in the realm of open relationships yet.
For about six weeks, Marci and I dated, had sex, traveled together, and soon I started getting feelings for her. She was my rebound relationship, so I forgave myself later. After about six weeks, she just floated away. No big breakup or anything. We just stopped seeing each other regularly. She had just gotten out of a long-term relationship with a married guy (she had a penchant for married men) and was floating back to him once again.
I was a little upset and irritated, but I was no where near as distraught as when Athena left me so many years ago. No, I was a changed man now. I was still a beta, but now I had a new mission, and was determined to be an Alpha. Just as important, I now expected women to act like women instead of acting in lockstep with my expectations.
The biggest reason it wasn’t any big deal was that I was already dating other women. I was already going out on many first, second, and third dates. I kept experimenting with different approaches, different wording and photos in my profiles, different types of dates, different words I used when on a first date, and all kinds of other things. I kept careful track of everything, still addressing this like a business.
If something worked, I kept it. If something didn’t work, I stopped doing it and tried something new. On and on this went, for months and months.
The first woman I actually got from a dating site and to a real-life first date was Alex. She was a very pretty blonde 39 year-old who looked 30. After our first date at a coffee shop in a bookstore, as we walked to our cars, she practically begged me for a goodbye kiss.
I was confused. This attractive woman wants me to kiss her? It was then I “remembered” that once I “cleaned myself up” and wore some nice clothes, good cologne, and kept my hair short and styled, my confidence would carry me. Women, even very attractive women, would be attracted to me. Like many long-term monogamous men, I had lost connection with how attractive I was (not attractive physically, just attractive in general) to the opposite sex during my nine years of monogamy. What a wonderful experience to reconnect with that again!
I kissed her goodnight. A huge mistake. (NEVER kiss a woman on a first date unless you know for 100% certainty that you’re going to have sex on that first date.) Later, I blew it with Alex when I sent her an email that was very assholeish. I figured nice guys never get laid, so I went out of my way to be a total jerk with women. I over did it a few times before I learned the proper balance between nice guy and asshole, and thus had learned my next lesson:
Lesson Number Five
Assholes DO get laid, but it’s a tough road. The best approach is to find the sweet spot between the two, which is about 70% nice guy, 30% asshole.
A little later there was Melody. Like Alex, she was very hot for her age. 40 years old, but perfect D-cup tits, beautiful blonde hair, very attractive, a corporate executive with a six figure income, and one of the few women I’ve met who was so smart that she could beat me in logic, knowledge, and reasoning. Little did I know that ASD and woman logic could, and would, trump all of that. Melody was about to teach me a huge lesson in how women over the age of 33 view sex and relationships. I had no idea what I was in for.
We had a first date, had a second date, and had a third date. I didn’t really know how to sexually escalate, so I just kept going on dates hoping that “tonight was the night!”
This next part will sound very familiar to those of you who have read my book. On the third date, Melody was sitting on me, facing me, in the front seat of my car in a downtown parking lot. My mouth was on one of her boobs. As I went to pull the other one out, and she said, and I quote, “No. We’re only on the third date. You can suck this boob, but not that one.” I laughed and said, “What?” And she just gave me a look that said, “Yes. Those are the rules.”
I didn’t get any further that night with her. Driving home alone, I was flabbergasted. This was a highly intelligent, rational woman. Why would she possibly make a rule for herself that was that insane? Oh, how little I knew.
For the fourth date, I drove out to her place, which was a good 50 minute drive from my house. After about 30 minutes in the car, she sent me a text saying there was some kind of problem with one of her kids, and she had to cancel. Another 30 minute drive back home. An entire hour of my time wasted, along with some gas. I was furious. Another lesson learned.
Lesson Number Six
Be very wary when picking up women at their locations for dates, especially if they live more than 20 minutes away. Have them meet you somewhere close to you instead.
Regardless, I was still a beta, so like a needy dumbass, I kept on her. She was hot. I wanted to have sex with her. I wanted her to be the number two woman after Marci. I knew she liked me, so I figured my odds were good.
On the fourth date I finally got her back to my place. I was so excited! I was about to have sex with the first woman I met online! And she was so hot!!!
Soon, we were making out on the floor in my home office. My heart beating fast, I moved to undress her. She stopped me and said she was on her period.
Hm. Four dates and no sex. The specter of Athena, the woman who dated me for six weeks with no sex back when I was in my early 20s, was there haunting me once again.
However, now things were different. This time, I was ready. I would never let any woman “Athena” me again. Never again would a woman lead me on for weeks with no sex, regardless of what her excuses were. In my mind, I had a “four date limit.” If after four dates and still no sex, I was outta there, and on to the next woman. Hell, the dating sites had plenty. (Much later, as my woman skills improved, I would drop this down to three dates, then two.)
I tried a few more times to get her clothes off. She wouldn’t have it. I stopped trying and the rest of the date was very awkward. She eventually went home.
A few days later, she texted me wanting to spend time with me again, or more accurately, she wanted to go out on a date where I spent $80 on dinner and drinks and we didn’t have any sex. I told her I was available Sunday. Her idea was to go to fancy restaurant (of course). I sent her a text saying, “Great. Why don’t you come over to my house around 10am, we can hang out here for a bit, then both go to breakfast together?” (Even back then in my beginner stages, I knew you could not just say to a woman, “Come over to my place and we’ll have sex.” That doesn’t work.)
She came back with, “Why? Sex?” My response was something like, “Well, you said it, not me.” (Not a good response.) She replied, “That’s just too planned. I’ll pass then.”
It was hard to do, very hard, but I let her go. I had resolved that no woman would ever “Athena” me again, and at four expensive dates then a dump, I considered myself lucky that I got out so cheap. What if I had taken her on another three or four expensive dates with no sex? I shuddered at the thought. Been there, done that, never doing that again, Sweetheart.
What then ensued was one of the craziest, silliest, most ridiculous, and most instructive conversations I’ve ever had with a woman in my entire life. It was a huge crash-course for me regarding ASD and woman logic. The topic was why she wouldn’t have sex with me after four dates. Of course, nowadays I know to never verbalize anything like this and to never discuss anything with a woman like this until you’ve had sex with her at least twice. Yet, back then I still hadn’t learned.
Melody and I texted back and forth for about 90 minutes. I’ll summarize the gist of it here, with my notes in italics. Again, do not do this with a woman. I’m showing you here what not to do. It’s an illustration of how most over-33 women view dating and sex
Melody: You’re being very immature about this sex stuff. (As I talk about in my book, “immature” is one of the shaming words women use against Alphas to ensure they stay submissive and beta.)
Me: Wanting sex after four dates, on date five, is immature? How so?
Melody: Well, you haven’t been romantic enough.
Me: Define romantic.
Melody: Well, on first date we went to Starbucks and you just bought me a bottled water. (I was forming my fast, cheap first date system.) So that doesn’t count. Then we went to <cheap restaurant>. Then yes, we had two dates that were very nice.
Me: So I haven’t spent enough money on you yet? There’s a monetary figure I have to hit in order to have sex with you? And I’m the one “not being romantic?”
Melody: It’s not about money, it’s about romance.
Me: It’s clearly about money. It’s about the dollar value of the meals I have purchased for you. (See here how I was WAY overdoing it with verbalizing the man-logic. God, I was so stupid.)
Melody: You’re not getting it. It’s about romance.
Me: Look, remember that 25 year-old guy you told me about who you were dating for awhile? Did you make him wait five dates before having sex? I doubt it. I’m sure you fucked him on the second date at the latest.
Melody: Okay. I admit we had sex on the second date. (It took her about five minutes of back-and-forth texting and my prodding to admit that.) But our first date was a very expensive dinner that was $150.
Me: Over the last four dates I’ve spent well over $150 on you, as you are well aware. Plus I’ve spent way more time with you than he did.
Melody: Well, he had six pack abs and let’s face it, you haven’t exactly been to the gym lately.
Me: Okay, so if a man has six pack abs, he is free from this monetary thing you have? So chubbier guys need to spend more money on you than trimmer guys?
Melody: No it’s not that at all. You’re just being immature about all of this. He was too, that’s why he and I didn’t work out. Being immature is very unattractive.
Me: Ah, so now we’re back to wanting sex on date number five is “immature.” How many times do you intend on changing the topic every time I challenge you with something for which you have no logical answer?
On, and on, and on we went like that. For 90 painful minutes. Finally it ended with her telling me it was over and it was “my loss.” Somehow, I doubt that. I have a feeling I saved a ton of money and time by never seeing her again.
I was pissed, but it was worth it, because I had learned a lot.
Lesson Number Seven
Women do not behave logically, including the very intelligent, put-together ones. Women also do not have logical reasons for the rules they impose on themselves in dating and/or sexual scenarios. It’s all based on how they feel emotionally, and their rules will vary wildly from man to man.
Melody had been a great teacher. Little did I know that I had many more Melodys to meet before I would truly understand.
To be continued…