This is the sixth installment of the book that I never published regarding my history with women and the lessons I learned from it. If you haven’t yet, you should read parts one, two, three, four, and five before you read the article below, so you can be up to speed on where the story picks up. Everything below is all 100% true to the best of my memory, journals, and spreadsheet records, though all the names of the people described have been changed.
We last left off in winter of 2007. Still inexperienced, I was in the middle of my first, ongoing, nonmonogamous relationship of any real length with Jenae, a 40 year-old, sexually inexperienced Christian provider hunter.
With my relationship wit Jenae going strong, I backed off a little on the online dating. I would still occasionally message women, but I stopped doing the big blitzes I had been doing previously. It being 2007, Match.com and Yahoo Personals were my two primary dating sites. OKCupid didn’t yet really exist, Plenty of Fish was small and not yet on my radar, and it hadn’t yet occurred to me to try MySpace as a dating mechanism (that would change in early 2009).
I was still focusing on women in my age range, mostly women ages 30 to about 45 (I was 35), which meant I was dealing with lots of ASD and sexual resistance. Yet, I was still getting occasional, sporadic results because I was putting in the numbers hardcore and was being as confident and outcome independent as I could, despite the fact my game was pretty shitty, mostly revolving around taking women out to dinner; a terrible idea if your goal is to get to sex quickly.
During this time, a cute, blonde, 31 year-old named Heather messaged me on Match.com. Usually, the women messaging me first were ugly or overweight, but surprisingly, Heather seemed pretty cute. During our messaging and text communication, she was very sharp, sarcastic, and witty. I liked it. I scheduled a first date with her easily.
We met up at a bar attached to a restaurant downtown (no dinner, thank god), and as soon as I got a good look at her in the lights of the evening, I was flabbergasted. She was ridiculously beautiful, far better than her pictures had indicated, and was an exact duplicate of the Christy Template, so she was exactly my physical type. Short, blonde, brown eyes, trim body, big ass, decent boobs, beautiful face, and an amazing smile. It was as if a more intelligent and attractive version of Christy had been resurrected from my past and was standing there right before me. I had hit the jackpot, or so I thought.
We talked for a few hours (too long for a first date!), sitting in one of the darker booths in the back of the bar. She wasn’t as feminine as I liked; she had been raised in the rural Midwest so there was a slight masculine, redneck edge to her that I didn’t love. However, she was very intelligent and whip-sarcastic, which was a huge plus. I hadn’t yet calibrated my conversational style for women and dating, and many women have trouble keeping up with me verbally when I’m in my natural state, but she had no problem. It was nice. No kissing or hugging or sex at the end of the date; I just said goodbye. (I had no idea at the time that this was actually the best thing to do.)
We met up again just for about 20 minutes a few days later, just to chat in a parking lot and exchange some real estate information (she liked looking at new houses). My horniness was off the charts. I wanted to kiss her badly right then and there, and grab that huge ass, but I was too fearful. Still with lots of beta male within me, much of my pussiness reasserted itself, and I couldn’t bring myself to escalate.
Oh well. The third meet was the charm. We met up at a furniture store and took a look around as our “date.” Very, very big mistake, since nothing fires up provider hunter tendencies than something like that, but I had no idea at the time.
Afterwards, we’re talking in my car, at night, in the parking lot, and I finally mustered up the courage to kiss her. She was, hands down, the best kisser I had ever kissed up until that point. She used her tongue in just the right way I liked. Holding her in my arms was an orgasmic experience. Her eyes were the most beautiful things I had ever beheld (again, up until that point).
My inner caveman took over, as it usually does, and I started getting very aggressive. Instead of scaring her, she liked it. Soon, we had moved to the back seat of the car and got more sexual, though no clothing came off.
That very next morning, I was planning on leaving for Las Vegas, by myself, for some blackjack fun. We were already right by the airport and my plan was to stay over in the airport hotel, then leave the next morning. As I held her in the back seat of my car, panting, my horniness a volcano, I asked her to come to the hotel with me and spend the night. She responded with “I don’t know.”
I asked her again. She wavered.
I asked her again, harder this time. She just looked into my eyes and said nothing.
I asked her again, a fourth time. She said “Okay.”
Lesson Number Nine
Persist. Ask. Then Ask again. Then ask again. The odds are good that eventually she’ll say yes even though her first answer is no.
As I explain in my dating manual, usually women don’t want to have sex with you because they’re not attracted to you However, often, women are attracted to you and do want to have sex with you, but “can’t” because of their own ASD and Societal Programming. It’s your job to overcome these false fears, so you can give her the sex she actually wants from you.
If she isn’t attracted to you, she’ll say no regardless of how many times you ask. This is why once you get three or four no’s, you should forget her and move on. But, if she is attracted to you and hasn’t yet overcome her own ASD, you should propose sex more than once after her first “no,” since her first “no” is reflective not of her desires, but of her false ASD.
Within 30 minutes, we were having sex at the hotel, and it was great despite my use of a condom. She spent the night with me, which was a mistake (don’t spend the night with a woman the first time you have sex with her, even if you’re sure you want a real relationship with her; it’s bad for your EFA). The next morning, I flew to Vegas. It was hard to keep Heather out of my mind while there.
Upon my return from Vegas, my woman-life started getting complicated, and I wasn’t quite ready for it. I was having sex with Jenae, having sex with Heather, and still going out on occasional first dates with other women. Even Marci returned(!) and I played around with her once or twice as well. This showed me, for the first time, that when you don’t act like a beta boyfriend, women come back to you. Very interesting! I made a note of it in my journals and spreadsheets for further analysis and future experimentation.
For the first time in my life, I was having sex with multiple women on a regular basis, without lying to any of them. It was very messy and disorganized, and I really didn’t know what I was doing, but I was doing it! Finally!
But like I said, I was an idiot with this stuff back then, so there were problems.
I started feeling guilty that I had not told Jenae anything about my sex on the side, though I was hoping she “assumed.” My nonmonogamous EFA was not good at all, so unlike today, I had no idea whether or not Jenae assumed I was seeing other women or not.
I finally had a talk with Jenae about the fact I was not going to be monogamous with her. She didn’t like it, but she told me that her rule was that I was required to tell her if I actually had sex with another woman. If I just kissed or was sexual with other women, she said she didn’t care, but didn’t want to hear about it. But sex, she wanted to know.
Hmmm…that was going to be a problem. I had no problem telling her, and I knew I couldn’t lie to anyone, but I knew drama would be the result if I did.
Marci had no problem with me having sex with other women and knew I was doing it. She was a FB at that point, so I could tell her all about Heather and Jenae with no judgment, drama, or jealousy whatsoever. It was then that I realized how wonderful FB’s are… they don’t care about what you do on the side… very nice!
Heather strongly suspected I was still dating other women (she actually mentioned it to me at one point), but she was still too new to make any demands. But Jenae was another situation entirely. I had been seeing her for a quite a while, and she was very dating inexperienced, and she was a hardcore Christian, and she was a provider hunter. I knew I had to tell her, and I also knew she would not take the news very well. I resolved to tell her the very next time I saw her.
Several nights later, in her bed, I held her close to me and told her. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Tears slowly appeared and she held me tight. She finally said “Okay, I’ve been thinking about this.” She reached over and grabbed a new box of condoms. She explained that these were the condoms I was supposed to start using on her, now that I was having sex with other women. For a minute, my heart leapt. She just said YES! She just AGREED to this! This would be great! Three women, all of whom knew I was having sex with other women, would keep having sex with me! My dream had finally come true!
Well, not yet. As Jenae handed me the condoms, she burst out crying.
I told her I cared for her and didn’t want her to do anything that would make her unhappy. I told her to really think about this before we did anything else. She nodded and agreed. Nothing else happened that night and I left her with a big hug.
A few days later, she came over to my cramped, guy-still-going-through-a-divorce apartment, gave me a bottle of wine as a gift, and told me, very sweetly, that it was over. She just couldn’t reconcile an open relationship with me based on her feelings for me and her religious Societal Programming. I gave her another big hug and that was that. I really cared for her and was sorry to see her go.
My mistake, as I learned later, was that I verbalized too much to Jenae too soon while not maintaining a strong enough EFA. If I had instead strongly sub-communicated that I was having sex with other women instead of verbally stating it, then eventually verbalizing it after months with a well-planned Talk, Jenae would have stayed with me sexually for a very, very long time. But I was still new at all this and didn’t have a roadmap before me. I was doing the best I could.
When it comes to talking about sex with other women, subcommunicate, and subcommunicate strongly, but don’t verbalize it! You can’t do this forever, but the longer you can do it, the better your odds of success become.
With Jenae gone, I kept seeing Heather. It was then that I made my next set of mistakes; some of the most important ones that would solidify my nonmonogamy relationship system.
More next time.