This is the eighth installment of the book that I never published regarding my history with women and the lessons I learned from it. If you haven’t yet, you should read parts one, two, three, four, five, six, and seven before you read the article below, so you can be up to speed on where the story picks up. Everything below is all 100% true to the best of my memory, journals, and spreadsheet records, though all the names of the people described have been changed.
We last left off in early 2009, when Heather and I broke up. Knowing exactly what I did wrong, I was now poised to start doing this stuff right…
Now free from my brief de facto monogamous relationship with Heather, and having some dating and relationship experience under my belt, as 2008 came around, I felt much more confident about my dating prowess and possibilities. I still was new at all this, and in many respects I still didn’t know what I was doing or what worked, but I was reasonably confident that I felt I had a good grasp of what didn’t work. (Which, as I explain in chapter 10 in Get To Sex Fast, in terms of dating, avoiding what doesn’t work is actually more important than doing what does work. That chapter is probably the most important chapter on dating I’ve ever written.)
I sat down, planned out my year as I always do, and made a battle plan to go on as many first dates as I possibly could. 2007 was very hit-or-miss. I was determined to make 2008 a year of consistent, predicable action in my woman life. I was going to get this figured out once and for all, so I could eventually put my woman life on autopilot and get back my top life priory: business. I figured I was pretty close to getting good with women already (and I was), and felt pretty optimistic.
I found a photography student on Cragislist, got various pictures taken of me (experimenting with new techniques, many of which worked well and ended up in The Ultimate Online Dating Manual), designed a whole new online dating profile from scratch (while keeping the aspects that seemed to work in 2007), and put up profiles on the best dating sites of the time: Match.com, Yahoo Personals, and a new one I tried for the first time, Plenty of Fish.
While taking great care not to repeat the online mistakes I had made last year, I blasted out hundreds of copy-and-paste openers on all three sites, tracking them all carefully with spreadsheets; openers, response rates, first-date rates, sex-to-first date ratios, the works. I obsessively tracked everything. I was determined to construct a repeatable, reliable system that worked every time I executed it.
Slowly but surely, I started racking up first dates. Getting dates online became easier and easier. The more I tried, the more I learned, the more notes I took, and the better I became. I kept adjusting my approach every time to get the maximum odds of a woman saying yes.
Two first dates. Then two more. Then ten. Then twenty. Then thirty. Sometimes I would have four or five first dates in one week. Having two dates in the same evening wasn’t unusual. I would meet up with a woman at 6:00 pm, wrap up the date within an hour or so, walk three blocks over to another fancy bar, and meet the second girl at 7:30 pm. The bar staff at certain bars saw me so often they started treating me like a friendly regular customer, even though I rarely ordered an alcoholic drink (I don’t drink) and always showed up with a different woman. The bar staff was very cool about this and always played along. I even considered asking out or two of the cute female bartenders, banking on my non-stop social proof (I never got around to doing this though).
Always, always track your results. You don’t have to be super anal about it, but you must record some basic numbers about the number of approaches / openers you make and compare them to how many women you actually have sex with, and how long it takes you. It will take you longer to improve without this data.
There were so many women on these dates during this time that I don’t have the time to go through them all, but here are a few highlights:
– The super hot 33 year-old gold blonde digger who talked me into an expensive first date: $80! Unacceptable! This didn’t happen as often anymore, but sometimes I still fell for it.
– The Korean gal with really big boobs. (An Asian with big boobs? Back then, I didn’t know such a thing existed, but they do! It was the only reason I messaged her; otherwise I would have passed, since I wasn’t attracted to Asians back then, but those boobs got me.) I got a blowjob on the first date, but that was as far as I got with her.
– The terrified but cute girl-next door who I never saw again after the first date because I was acting too aloof and Alpha. Dammit!
– By far, the youngest girl I had ever gotten out on a date with up until that point, was a very hot, blonde, 22 year-old amateur model with big Angelina Jolie lips, almost a perfect 10. I was shocked, literally shocked that a girl that young and that good looking actually agreed to go out on a date with me. The date went nowhere (I’m pretty sure she thought I was too overweight), but the fact that I could get someone that young and hot to at least go out on a date with me planted a seed in my mind for some big future successes.
– The really hot Laotian 27 year-old who really liked me on the first date, but then blew me off for the second. Either she was a good actor, or there was another man in the picture. Who knows?
– The 47 year-old psychiatrist who was into younger men (I was a “younger man” at age 36), who I loved to talk psychology with. As you can see, I was dating literally women of all ages. I didn’t care about age. If they were hot, I messaged them. I didn’t care about age at all (though I avoided messaging women under age 23 or so; I figured, incorrectly, that would be too young).
– The high maintenance and bitchy 40 year-old who didn’t like me because I wasn’t 6’3”. (I’m “only” 5’11”, and therefore unacceptable to her.)
– My very first Latina woman! She was cute, though not my type, and my first Hispanic woman, so I wasn’t sure about it, but I decided what the hell and went for it anyway. She was a 30 year-old Mexican woman who worked for a large computer company. She was very nice and very sweet, and we made out on the first date (something I would learn later was a huge mistake). Oh my GOD, can those Latina women kiss! She blew my brains out, right there in the bar. I never saw her again sadly, but I made a mental note about the kissing prowess of Latina’s.
I could go on, but you get the point. So many women, so many interesting experiences. Reminiscing about this time was fun for me.
That being said, while I was good at getting dates, in terms of turning those dates into sex, I was still pretty terrible. I wasn’t nearly as bad as I was in 2007, but still bad. No longer would I allow gold diggers or high-ASD over-33’s to talk me into an endless string of expensive dinner dates that went nowhere (with exceptions though, I still screwed up on this occasionally). Yet, my ratio of women I actually had sex with was just one woman out of ten first dates. Brutal, as Paul Janka used to say.
The good news was that I could always reliably predict that result. If I wanted to have sex with a new woman, I knew that I could schedule ten first dates and always get there. And, she would always be hot. I kept up my rule that I would only message women online who were at least an 8 on the 1 to 10 attractiveness scale (at least for me, since the 1 to 10 scale is 100% subjective). I was also getting better at keeping my first and second dates short and cheap.
The downside was that ten first dates, even inexpensive ones, plus multiple second and third dates that go nowhere is extremely expensive in time, money, and gas. I was busting my ass and getting some results, but not nearly as much as I should have been getting.
A prime example of this was a girl I’ll call Leyla. She was an attractive 23 year-old Azerbaijani girl; very exotic-looking and by far the most “ethnic” woman I had met so far.
She was so excited on our first date that she started touching me before I started touching her. Very interesting. When I tried to sexually escalate later on that date (a mistake, of course) and again on the second date, and again on our third date (oh BD, you dumb mother fucker), she kept resisting. Oh, she wanted to see me again, but she didn’t want to have sex.
Although I had waited way too long, I was ready for this. No woman would ever “Athena” me again. I said, “Let me tell you something. I know from experience that if a woman wants to keep dating a guy, but doesn’t want to have sex with a guy, that means one of three things.” Leyla immediately perked up when I said this. She was legitimately curious about what I was going to say.
I continued, “It means A) she likes the guy, but is not sexually turned on by him. She doesn’t like him in that way.” Her expression didn’t change. I continued, “Or B) she does like the guy that way, but she’s got some kind of sexual hang-up, or sexual issue.” Again, her expression remained unchanged. I continued, “Or C) she does like the guy, she doesn’t have any sexual hang-ups, but she’s dating or fucking another guy already.”
Instantly, Leyla’s face turned bright red. She made a huge, nervous smile and covered her mouth. She was flabbergasted. Finally she said, “Oh my god! How do you know all of this stuff?”
Experience, Darling, experience. That was the last time I ever saw her, which was a good thing.
Athough I didn’t get to sex, I felt pretty good about the fact that I was getting so much experience with women at this point that I could start to understand and accurately predict or explain their behaviors.
It was then I solidified my next lesson:
If a woman still does not want to be sexual with you in any way by the end of the second (or third) date, even if she seems attracted to you, something is wrong. Either she’s trying to friend zone your ass or her ASD is too high. Drop her and move on to the next woman. She’s just going to waste your time.
Knowing that I was spending a huge amount of time and money using a still inefficient system, I bit the bullet and started looking for dating information at the bookstores and on the internet. Soon, I found Neil “Style” Strauss’s book, The Game. It was about these guys called “pick-up artists.” I was familiar with the term because I had seen the 1987 movie, The Pick-up Artist starring a young Robert Downey Jr. and Molly Ringwald. However, these pick-up artists (or PUA’s) were these weird, young metrosexual dudes who would dress up like rock stars or gay guys, hit on girls at clubs, and use all kinds of odd techniques.
This pick-up crap looked a little cheesey, but it was clear to me that at least some of these guys were doing in bars and clubs what I was doing on the dating sites and on first dates; putting in tons of numbers, experimenting with different techniques, and honing their approaches for maximum odds of success. So, reluctantly, I bought the book. I started reading it and was quickly hooked. I read it cover-to-cover over the course of several days, taking some notes. Once done, I also acquired and read a few Mystery Method books.
It was clear to me that this pick-up artist stuff was geared towards younger, more extroverted men in their twenties who liked to go to loud dance clubs and stay up late into the evening. I was the opposite; an introverted, 36 year-old divorced dad with children and businesses to run. I had no interest in dressing up in feather boas and hitting the dance clubs at 2am on a Thursday evening. I just needed some tweaks in my current system to improve my 1 out of 10 ratio, if possible, which I was confident I could do… somehow.
In some of the PUA materials, a certain forum on the internet was mentioned called Fast Seduction where all of these pick-up artist dudes hung out. In the summer of 2008, I found the forum, and that’s when everything changed…
Part 9 coming soon.