Much of my relationship management advice and content revolves around when you break the rules within an FB, MLTR, or OLTR relationship with a woman. Specifically, I’m talking about the Nine Cardinal Rules that I describe in detail in my main relationships book. Things like only seeing her once a week, never talking about the relationship (until The Talk), not kissing her ass, making her cum every time you have sex, and so on.
And yes, most of the problems you will encounter in your relationship life are your fault, in that you probably fucked up one of the Cardinal Rules. Just about every guy who emails me or coaches with me with a relationship problem is guilty of violating one or more of these rules.
That being said, there are times where you’re doing everything more or less correctly, and she breaks one of the rules. What happens then?
As always, we need to get our contexts aligned when we say “rules.”
In FB relationships, there are no rules. She can do pretty much whatever she wants. So a woman in an FB relationship with you can’t “break a rule.” She can be a bitch, she can give you drama, and so forth (time for an instant soft next if that’s the case!) but she can’t break any rules.
In an MLTR, there aren’t any “rules” that she needs to follow. She’s welcome to have sex with other men and even date other men. The only rules a woman can break in an MLTR is if you’re not using condoms on her and she promises to do the same with other men, and then violates that promise, thereby putting your health at risk. There may be a few other odd scenarios I can think of, but for the most part, it’s pretty hard for a woman to break a rule in an MLTR.
OLTR, now that’s a different story. Unlike other types of nonmonogamous relationships, in an OLTR there are indeed rules. Not many rules (and if there are, you’re doing it wrong), but some. So yes, a woman in an OLTR can indeed break the rules if she’s not careful.
So the first way to avoid this problem is to simply never have an OLTR. If you never have an OLTR and just stick with FBs and MLTRs, which is a perfectly fine model, you’ll never need to worry about any woman breaking any rules because she’ll never have any.
That being said, most men will want something that at least looks like an OLTR at some point in their older years when they’re over age 35. What then?
The next way to deal with a woman breaking the rules is to minimize the odds of ever ending up with a woman who will break the rules in the first place. There are three simple ways to do this; simple, but not easy:
1. Don’t get into an OLTR with any woman under the age of about 24. The older, the better.
2. Don’t get into an OLTR with any woman who isn’t low-drama, low-ASD, or is a Dominant. I see way too many of you guys getting into OLTRs with women who are higher drama, higher ASD, Dominants, and so on. Also remember that certain races and nationalities of women are more drama than others (coughRussianscough).
3. Never get into an OLTR unless you’ve dated her, consistently and often, for at least 6-12 months as an MLTR and there has been near-zero problems that entire time. Let me be clear about this: “dating consistently and often” means you’ve been seeing her once a week for 6-12 months. It does not mean you see her for a while then leave town for a month then start seeing her again then leave town again for three weeks then see her again and so on. That’s not consistent, and that doesn’t count.
In the two OLTRs I’ve had, I’ve never experienced a woman violate any rules. Do you know why? I followed the above three guidelines to the letter. It took both HBM and Pink Firefly years of me dating them as FBs and then MLTRs before we became an OLTR, so I had plenty of time to verify their low-drama, low-ASD status. They weren’t Dominants either. (Dominants usually don’t last past about two or three dates with me anyway.) I don’t like drama or problems, so I have to make very sure a woman isn’t prone to these problems before she becomes my OLTR girlfriend / wife.
Once again, I see a hell of a lot of you bastards leap into OLTR relationships with women well before you’ve been dating them consistently and often for at least six months (12+ months is better!). Not smart. Control that oneitis! There is never any rush to get into an OLTR. Never. I don’t care how awesome she is or how she’s Not Like The Rest™. Calm the fuck down and take your time.
The last thing you can do to avoid this problem is to not set a lot of rules in the OLTR. I’ve talked about that in great detail in my books, but the bottom line is that the more rules you set in a relationship, the higher odds for problems and drama you will have. Therefore, your goal is to set the least amount of rules humanly possible for your OLTR.
In my case, I have essentially no rules for Pink Firefly other than the basic OLTR rule (she can’t have MLTRs, just FBs, if she wants) a handful of minor rules relating to the fact we live together (none of which would exist if we lived in separate homes). That’s it! As a matter of fact, in terms of the sexual aspect of the OLTR, I’ve agreed to far more rules from Pink Firefly than she has from me, since as a woman, she’s more outcome dependent than I am. (Just expect this if you ever have an OLTR; women are the way they are.)
If you don’t want drama or problems, follow my example. I occasionally see guys go a little too far in the Alpha Male 1.0 direction in OLTRs, and lay down all kinds of rules for their girlfriends that are just going to bite them in the ass later. Again, not smart. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but women are not very good at following relationship rules long-term. Why fight this? (Unless you’re an Alpha Male 1.0 and have consciously chosen to be one, but if that’s the case, I’m not sure why you’re reading this blog.)
In talking with hundreds of men about this topic over the last decade, here are some examples I’ve heard of women in OLTRs breaking the rules:
- After establishing a rule to not fuck any guy in their shared social circle, she does so anyway, and in a very public way.
- She fucks her boyfriend’s/husband’s best friend or close family member.
- She inadvertently brings one of her FBs around their kids. (This is rarely intentional, and more often a result of a stupid oversight or accident.)
- After establishing a rule of keeping the OLTR status secret, she gets angry or drunk one day and blabs it to everyone, or her certain people she wasn’t supposed to tell.
You get the idea.
If this happens, first stop and see if you’ve violated any of the guidelines I outlined above. Did you leap into the OLTR before dating consistently and often for at least six months? Is she 20 years old? Did you throw too many rules at her? Is she a Dominant? And so on.
Odds are high you’ve done one or more of these things wrong. If so, remember that everything in your life is your fault, including this, and you have only yourself to blame. For the next OLTR, don’t make the same mistakes again.
Next, you’ll have to take corrective action. If this is the first time she’s ever broken a rule, tell her what she did wrong and why. Stay calm, don’t get angry, don’t lecture her, and don’t argue with her. That stuff is for Alpha 1.0s. The Alpha 2.0 is outcome independent and doesn’t give a shit enough to actually get upset. Just calmly tell her what she did and why it’s a problem. Stick to the facts, keep your feelings out of it, and remain calm.
If it’s the first time she’s ever done this and she agrees she fucked up and promises not to do it again, then immediately accept her apology, drop the subject, and move on. It’s over; get back to your happy relationship with her.
If she instead gets defensive, fights you, and/or says or implies she didn’t do anything wrong, then it’s more than likely you’re with the wrong woman and you need to end the OLTR right now. Downgrade her to FB or MLTR or terminate the relationship. Then ask yourself why you were such a dumbass to get into an OLTR with such a person. Again, this shit is YOUR FAULT.
If this is not the first time she’s done this, and then you have a problem. If the last time she did this was many years ago, and everything else in the relationship is good, then accept her apology and move on, but remind her that if she does this again, she’s threatening the future of your relationship with her. Also strongly consider rescinding that rule she broke, because clearly she’s having trouble following it.
If the last time she did this was less than 12 months ago, then you have a decision to make. I would probably downgrade or terminate her right then and there, but I suppose there might be scenarios where you could give her one more chance, and if she does it again, then terminate or downgrade.
Again though, I want you to see how much time I spend in this article preventing the problem instead of dealing with the fallout of the problem. If you’re smart, rational, and control your oneitis, you can prevent this from ever happening. It’s never happened to me, so it can be done.
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