This post is dedicated to all of you negative, angry guys out here. Get ready to be pissed off.
I get surprisingly little hate mail. Seriously. When I started this blog years ago, I thought some asshole on the internet blatantly saying things like monogamy is stupid or older men having sex with much younger women is awesome while openly displaying that I sell information about dating and relationships in order to make money (gasp!), I really expected to get piles and piles of hate mail, mostly from women.
Yet even to this day, actual hate mail is pretty rare. (When the Alpha Male book comes out and is marketed to the mainstream, I expect this to change.) Most email I get are questions, and the rest is people agreeing with me, including the women(!). I’m still a little surprised.
Regardless, occasionally I’ll get not “hate mail”, but “angry mail”, from guys who say things like this:
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. You’re white. I’m Indian (or Asian or whatever), and women don’t like Indians. I was raised in a sexually oppressive culture and you weren’t. White girls hate Indian guys. Of course YOU can get white girls. You’re white like them. It’s easy for you.
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. I was bullied in school and fed a bunch of crappy medication throughout my childhood. You didn’t have that problem, so you can’t relate to that.
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. You’re 40. I’m only <insert young age here> and haven’t built up my confidence yet like you have. Of course when I’m 40 like you then it will be easy to lay girls. But right now I just can’t do what you do. I’m too young.
or I’ll get the exact opposite…
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. You’re only 40. It’s easy for YOU to fuck all these younger women, but I’m way older than you. I’m <insert age older than 40 here>. There’s no way in hell I can do it like you can. I’d like to see you try all your younger woman stuff when you’re my age.
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. You’re normal height. I’m only 5’5″. Women don’t like short guys. You’re normal height so it’s easier for you to get laid.
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. I’m addicted to drugs. You’ve never been addicted to drugs. What about all your alpha male crap now? You have no idea what it’s like to be a drug addict (or alcoholic) like me.
Yeah, yeah. Easy for you to say. You’re a successful businessman. If I had all your income I could lay chicks too. But I’m poor. I’ve been unemployed for almost two years. Poor guys like me don’t get laid. Everyone knows that.
As you read the above comments you may be smiling at how amusing they are, since you may know, as I do, many guys who are Indian / Asian / young / old / short / bad childhood / drug addicts / alcoholics / unemployed / low-income men who get laid left and right with no problem. But seriously, these are actual things guys will occasionally say to me.
This doesn’t happen to just me. Other dating gurus and manosphere bloggers have told me they get similar emails. Other guys have gotten crap like “Easy for you to say, you’re really good looking….” or “Easy for you to say, you have really big muscles…” or “Easy for you to say, you know how to dance….” or “Easy for you to say, you weren’t molested as a child…” or “Easy for you to say, you’re really extroverted…” and on and on and on.
Excuses make some of you so comfortable, don’t they?
I can only talk about me here, so let’s start at the beginning here and tell you about how flawed I am. What these complainers don’t know, or know but don’t want to bring up, is:
– I was raised by my mother, a former catholic nun, who reinforced all kids of negative sexual concepts within me throughout my childhood. At one point she told me the meaning of the word “fuck” meant “people making fun of love”. When I relayed that to my childhood friends I was bullied and ridiculed. Pretty funny now, but it wasn’t funny then, I assure you.
– I was bullied in school as a child, so badly that at one point in fifth grade I actually peed my pants in the middle of class rather than go to the bathroom, because I thought the bullies might be out in the hallway waiting to get me.
– I was terrified of girls throughout much of my adolescence (thanks again to my oppressive religious upbringing, though my introverted personality was also a strong factor). I spent the first dance I went to in 8th grade hiding outside the school in the bushes, literally shaking in fear, waiting for the dance to be over so I could go home and crawl into bed and hide.
– I lost my virginity very late, at age 22 or 23 (I don’t remember which, and don’t care to go back and figure it out). It was an unpleasant experience. I couldn’t even get it up.
– I was a certified beta for most of my twenties. I was never an absolute, off-the-chart beta, that’s true. Even as a young guy I was reasonably confident. But I got tooled by women over and over again, in many embarrassing ways, like a dumb needy AFC. (I describe one of these stories in detail in one of my podcasts.)
– I started my adult life alone and poor, with no money, no people skills, no education, and very little work experience. I’ve talked before in my podcasts about how I used to sweat bullets every time the cashier at the supermarket swiped my $300 limit credit card so I could buy my seven dollars worth of food so I could actually eat dinner that night.
Even after my business was started life was no picnic. I have been on the verge of bankruptcy twice. (I talk more about these things in the Alpha Male book; writing those chapters and reliving those memories was not fun.)
– After my divorce, re-entering the dating world after being out of it for almost ten years, I did just about everything wrong. I went out on first dates dressed like a nerd. I said all the wrong things. Women ridiculed me, laughed at me, insulted me, and even yelled at me. Women tricked me into spending money on them and driving long distances for no reason. They wasted my time, pissed me off, and embarrassed me. The first time I had sex after my divorce and for a few weeks thereafter, I once again couldn’t even get it up. (I tell the entire story in my ebook on open marriages.)
– As most regular readers know, I was a good 50 pounds overweight during most of the last several years during my big successes with women. Barefoot, I’m a hair over 5’11”, and according to the BMI tables a man that height should weigh 183 pounds at the most, and I was around 250 for most of the last several years.
(I’m 35 pounds less than that now, and losing more every month. That’s what happens when you work on your shortcomings instead of making excuses for them. When I’m all done losing weight I’ll be posting before and after pictures so you can see just how fat I was.)
– Not only was I very chubby, most of my hair was thinning so badly my scalp was clearly visible on the top of my head (until I addressed it a year ago). You can see pictures of how bald I was right here.
I realize it’s much easier to see someone successful in some area of life and immediately assume that person is some kind of lucky jerk who was blessed with all kinds of advantages and benefits while you’re some poor innocent victim cursed with all kinds of disadvantages that you have zero control over.
Yeah. I know that’s easier. Problem is, it’s inaccurate. You’re living in a delusion.
Now if you like living in a delusion, if you like being angry at the world (and I know there are a lot of you out there like this!), then I guess go ahead and be that way. You don’t need to read the rest of this article. Have fun with your angry life.
If on the other hand you want to improve your life and actually have more happiness, even if that means you need to put in some uncomfortable work for a while that you’ll hate, then read on.
Most of us, not all of us, but most of us have HUGE disadvantages to who we are as men, and sometimes these disadvantages are not even our fault (though often they are). Some of us are too short, or too fat, or not white, or too young, or too old, or too bald, or too ugly, or too poor, or don’t have a job, or have horrible teeth, or too depressed, or have drug or alcohol issues, or have self esteem issues, or are virgins, or had horrible parents, or were raised without a father, or whatever.
I’m sure there are some perfect guys out there, but I’m not one of them and likely neither are you.
That means you and I have have two choices.
Option one is to whine like a baby, take your disadvantages and wrap them around you like a little blanky, and blame the whole world for your problems, while getting upset at other men who actually decided to put in the hard work, and yes it’s hard work, to overcome their problems. You can choose to go on living in a perpetual state of resentment and anger, convinced you have zero control over your life and that other men out there were “blessed” unfairly with all these gifts from God that you’ll never get.
Living in self-delusion like this is an easy option. No actual work required (other than being mad a lot). But it will make you miserable. For the rest of your life.
Option two is very different. In this option, you say, “Having this disadvantage really, really sucks, and it’s not fair. But! If that means I have to work 20%, 50%, or 100% harder than other guys to get the same results, I guess I’d better get to work. Because I want the results those guys are getting.”
This option is much more work. I’m serious. Sometimes it’s hard work. But eventually it will make you very, very happy. For the rest of your life.
I chose option two. I always have. I grew up in a financially strapped family and I fucking hated it. I left home at an early age with no money and lived poor and I fucking hated it. So I busted my ass for many years so I wouldn’t have to be poor any more.
It was hard work. For many years. But soon, I wasn’t poor any more. Then I was happy. I’ve been happy ever since. The hard work was worth it.
Years later, I found myself divorced, awkward with women, and without sex, and I fucking hated it. So I busted my ass for several years learning and experimenting with what worked and what didn’t, and eventually got good. Really good. I got to the point where I can have sex from hot chicks whenever I wanted, even if they’re 15 or 20 years younger than me.
In both cases it was hard to do, but I’m very glad I did it. I’m one of the most consistently happy men I know today because of it. If I hadn’t done it, I would still be poor and sexless and making all kinds of excuses about how high-income guys or pickup artist gurus are all lazy lucky assholes and I’m an innocent victim who is permanently stuck in my circumstances.
You can also choose option two. It’s not easy. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes you’ll do things wrong. Sometimes you’ll be frustrated. Sometimes you’ll be embarrassed. But in the end, IF YOU STICK WITH IT THROUGH THE FAILURES, you will overcome your disadvantages, whatever they are.
Now let’s tackle the next excuse these guys often have:
“Hey man, fuck you. I did try to fix it, okay?. I tried this and this and this. Nothing worked.”
I’m glad you brought that up, because that excuse is exactly part of your problem. The “stick with it through the failures” part I bolded above is a key ingredient you can’t ignore. I’ll give you two examples.
I know a woman who is a very sweet and pretty girl in her early 20’s. She has a thyroid problem. It’s not the usual “I have a thyroid problem” excuse that many fat people give. She really does have a real thyroid problem, and she gets fatter and fatter every year even though she only eats small amounts of healthy food.
I care about this person, and when I explained to her how important it is for a woman’s happiness to not be fat, and how she owed it to herself to address her thyroid problem even though she failed the first few times, she gave me a bunch of excuses. “I have tried a bunch of things! The doctors have tried a bunch of different medications and none of them worked.” I believe her. The problem is, all of these things she tried were a long time ago. She’s tried nothing since. She tried some things, then gave up.
I told her that she needed to master this phrase: “OK doc, that didn’t work. NOW what do we try?” You may have to say that 47 times. It might take you five years or even longer before you find something that finally works. Isn’t that better than saying “Well, I tried a few things and they didn’t worked so I guess I’m fucked!!!”?
I know a guy, who is a good guy, who has a low testosterone problem. As a result his dick can’t get hard. As you might imagine, this affects his self confidence in many different areas of life, especially with women, and causes most of the women he meets to dump him fast when they realize he can’t get hard. He’s in his early thirties and still has this problem. Why? Because just like the woman above, he submitted to the “I tried a few things and they didn’t work” excuse.
Success does not come by trying a few things that don’t work and then throwing your arms up in the air about how unfair life is. You have to try and fail, and try and fail, and try and fail, sometimes for YEARS. Yeah, it’s a pain in the ass. But once you get there, and you’ve overcome your disadvantage, I promise you’ll be so happy all that work you did “way back then” won’t even bother you.
Excuses or happiness. You can only choose one.