This is one of the rare times I will actually endorse and recommend mainstream relationship advice from the Societal Programming world of The Prison. Usually such advice is based around blue pill concepts such as betaization, male submissiveness, “compromise” (the SP code word for tolerating unacceptable drama and problems), scarcity, political correctness, and Disney.
However the five love languages actually do reflect real human behavior, at least in my experience and the experience of those I’ve talked to about it. If you’re aware of this concept, it will help you in your serious relationships (OLTR or high end MLTR) and your more casual relationships (FBs low end MLTRs).
The concept was developed by Dr. Gary D. Chapman, who has written several books on the subject. I don’t actually recommend the books (I have not read them), since the concept is very simple, and you’ll completely understand it by the end of this article.
The idea that by default we “love” (love as in the verb, meaning to show affection, not the noun) others in our lives by the way we want to be loved, not by the way our partner(s) want to be loved. Everyone is different in terms of how he wants to give and receive affection.
Since on certain levels opposites do attract, it’s not only possible, but overwhelmingly likely that you will find a serious partner who prefers different ways to love than you do. If you’re lucky there might be similarities, but even then it won’t be exactly the same.
The five “love languages” are the five ways in which people like to give and receive affection. Here they are in no particular order:
Physical Touch – This means you like to touch a woman nonsexually and be touched by her. Touching, hugging, holding, cuddling, playful groping, touching hair, caressing, etc.
Acts of Service – This means you like to do little favors for your partner(s). An example is to make her coffee in the morning while she’s still asleep, or a woman you’re dating who likes to clean your house without being asked.
Quality Time – This means spending time together in an involved way, usually talking. Watching TV or a movie together would not count, but going hiking together or talking to each other on the couch for an extended time would apply.
Gifts – This means you like to buy gifts for people, and love to receive gifts from others, even if they’re small and/or cheap.
Words of Affirmation – This means you like to give and receive verbal compliments.
So far so good, but here’s where things get tricky. You have a hierarchy of the above five items. You have a strong favorite, a reasonably strong second favorite, one or two you sort of like, and one or two you don’t like at all.
To use myself as an example, my hierarchy is this:
1. Physical Touch
2. Quality Time
3. Acts of Service
4. Words of Affirmation
I’m an extremely physical man, so physical touch is huge for me, and I’m constantly grabbing, squeezing, and crushing (nicely) a woman I’m with. Quality time is also extremely pleasant for me, and my favorite “dates” are literally me and woman talking on my couch or in my bed for a long time (preferably right after sex). (This keeps my dating costs low too).
Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation are nice I guess, but I don’t really need them and couldn’t care less.
I utterly dislike Gifts. I hate buying them for people and I hate receiving them. Don’t buy me anything Darling, I already own everything I want, just get over here so I can grab your ass.
But that’s me. You are likely going to be very different in your hierarchy, and the women you date will also be different.
It gets worse. Even if you both have Physical Touch (for example) as your number one or two, her “style” of touch may be very different than yours. Maybe you’re a barbarian like me and love to grab, crush, squeeze, and hold, but perhaps she likes to be lightly caressed with her fingertips. This is going to cause some weirdness unless you’re both aware of this difference.
Here are a few examples of how these differences have affected me in my past.
Decades ago I lost my virginity to a much older woman whose number one was Words of Affirmation, and number two was Physical Touch. However her physical touch was the light and gentle kind. I was always holding her tight and grabbing her, and she liked that somewhat, but she was also constantly telling me to touch her gently and lightly, both during sex and outside of sex. Being a beta and near-virgin, I wanted to make her happy, so I tried, but damn, it was extremely difficult for me.
We would also get into huge arguments (again, I was a young beta male at the time) because I virtually never said nice things to her. Words of Affirmation was her number one, but it’s my number three, thus not something I really think about.
Several years later I was married (to another woman). Physical Touch was literally at the very bottom for her, number five. She liked sex, but outside of sex, when I held her or grabbed her, it did nothing for her. She would just stand there, arms limp, and look at me funny. At the time, I thought she was being cold. I was wrong; we just had a very severe difference in our love language styles.
Acts of Service was her number one, and Quality Time was her number two. So we had the Quality Time thing down, but the Acts of Service thing (my number three) was a slight challenge sometimes as well.
Many years later, when I had the woman who later became an OLTR, her number one was Physical Touch, just like me. She was also physically tiny and a Submissive, so she loved to be grabbed, crushed, and thrown around. We were a perfect match in our number ones, and this was one of the reasons she was my longest consistent relationship of my life outside of my marriage. Words of Affirmation was her number two, which was a slight problem, but Quality Time was her number three, which again matched me very well.
Once I was seeing another MLTR who was constantly bringing over the little gifts for me. I had no idea what she was doing (I hate gifts and never asked for them) until I remembered the five love languages. So every once and a while, not often, but every now and again I would give her something cute and girly that I picked up at my grocery store. These things were almost always under $5, but when I would give them to her, her entire face would light up like a Christmas tree and she’d be happy all day.
It was alien, weird-ass behavior to me, but Gifts was her number one. Of course, since she was an MLTR, I had to take it easy on the gifts to not get into boyfriend-zone, but because gifts were number one, I pushed the envelope a little bit more than normal, and it worked. (I just made sure to not do it all the time and keep the gifts obviously cheap.)
You should do three things:
1. Identify your hierarchy. Rate the five items above in terms of what you like best or dislike. You may never have been aware of it until you read the five love languages above. Knowing your own hierarchy is extremely useful. It really helped me.
2. Identify the hierarchy of all the women in your life. If she’s a very low-end FB, then it probably won’t matter, but you could do this for a long-term FB and certainly do this for an MLTRs or an OLTR you have.
If you know her well enough, you probably already know. If you don’t know for sure, just show her the above list and ask her to rank the items. The answer you’ll get from her will actually be pretty accurate (at least in my experience).
3. Be aware of the differences between her hierarchy and yours. This means if you value a long-term, low-drama relationship, you should do things with her, at least occasionally, that match her number one and two items even if they don’t match yours. However! This is a two-way street here. This also means that she needs to satisfy your one and two even if they aren’t her one and two.
If she’s not willing to do this, you know what to do: next her or downgrade her to FB and go find some other women who are more compatible with you (or at least more flexible).
This is an effective system once you get the hang of it. I wish more mainstream relationship advice was reliable.