Let’s say I’m guilty of something really societally inappropriate, like I’m an axe murderer.
One nice sunny day, you’re having coffee with me at a local coffee shop. During the conversation, you ask me, “So, are you an axe murderer?”
Obviously, I don’t want you to know I’m an axe murderer. That’s not going to fly very well. If I say “yes” to that question while glaring at you evilly, you’ll scream and run out of there (assuming you believe me). I certainly don’t want that, so answering with a flat “yes” is probably not going to work.
Instead, I could and answer “no.” That’s the easiest option. If I did that, I would be lying. Lying means knowingly stating something you know is untrue. If I’m an axe murderer and I answer “no” to that question, I’m a liar.
Let’s change the scenario a little bit and say that I’m a weird axe murderer with a moral code which states that I can never lie. I still don’t want to flat out tell you I’m an axe murderer; that would be too much for you to handle. I can simply refuse to answer the question. I could say something like “I’m not answering that question.”
Am I lying?
I’m refusing to answer the question. Refusing to answer questions is not lying. It’s not even close to lying.
The argument against this is that I’m not lying, but, I am being deceptive. Let’s address that.
Let’s say that when you ask me if I’m an axe murderer, I don’t answer the question, but instead put on an false act that’s worthy of an Oscar. I react with innocent shock, saying something like, “What? Are you kidding? Why would you ever ask me something like that? I just…I just can’t believe this! I’m not even going to talk about this! This is crazy!”
Am I lying? No, I’m still not lying. Yet one could make the argument I’m being deceptive, and I would agree.
Now let’s say that I’m an honest axe murderer, and not only do I not want to lie to you, but I don’t want to deceive you in any way whatsoever. I actually do want to convey to you, somehow, that I actually murder people with axes.
The problem is that I need to break the news to you slowly and carefully, so you don’t completely freak out, scream, and run away. I don’t want to bluntly say it, but I also don’t want to hide it, nor do I want to pretend I’m not what I really am. If I just say, “Yep, I’m a fucking axe murderer,” that’s going to be too much for you to handle, and I like you as a friend and don’t want to cause you distress. So I need to come up with a way for you to assimilate this information more easily.
In that case, you ask me if I’m an axe murderer, and I don’t actually say anything. Instead, I just smile, lean back, relax, and very slowly, casually, like it’s no big deal, pull out a bloody axe and start picking at it. As I’m doing it, I shrug. Then I casually, in a calm, friendly tone of voice, say something like, “Eh. I don’t really want to talk about it.” Then I give you a warm, friendly smile, wink, and slowly put the axe away again.
Am I lying?
Am I being deceptive?
No. You’d have a very tough time making that argument. I’m clearly conveying I’m an axe murderer to anyone with an IQ over 80. Just because I’m not saying the words “I am an axe murderer” doesn’t mean I’m not saying it.
Am I avoiding answering the question?
Have I conveyed that it’s pretty clear I’m an axe murderer?
Let’s forget about this axe murderer stuff, and now let’s say you’re on a date with a woman. Maybe it’s a first or second date and you haven’t had sex yet. Or, maybe it’s a woman you’ve been dating and having sex with for a few weeks.
She asks you, “Are you still having sex with other women?”
If you really are having sex with other women, then just with the above, you’ve got four options.
Option one is to do the radical honesty thing and bluntly state, “Yes.” You can even go to an extreme and say something like, “Of course I am. What am I, some kind of pussy? I’m always going to be banging chicks and if you don’t like it you can get the fuck out.”
I have no problem with men doing that. It’s honest, outcome independent, and Alpha. The problem is by saying something like that, you’re launching a direct, all-out nuclear assault on her Societal Programming, ASD, Disney, and Strong Independent Woman™ brainwashing.
If it’s you against the SP and ASD and Disney and Strong Independent Woman™ of a Western woman, you’re going to lose. I don’t care how much of a badass Alpha / PUA / whatever you think you are. You may be able to keep her around for a few months, but that’s about it.
If your goal is to have a string of short-term relationships, then fine; go for it. If your goal is, like mine, to have relationships that last years and years, this option is not going to work (unless you focus on non-Western women or if you encounter a very bizarre and rare exception to the rule).
Option two is to do the standard Alpha Male 1.0 technique of deny, deny, deny. In other words, to lie. To say “no.”
As I’ve discussed many times, lying doesn’t eliminate drama, lying only delays drama. If you tell a woman you’re not hooking up with other girls and you are, she’s going to eventually find out, and then you’re in for a mountain of drama, even if you keep denying it. Frankly, you’ll get more drama than the honesty guy above. He’ll get some drama too, but while his drama will be few snorts, head-tosses, and complaints, you’ll get a fucking avalanche of drama when she finds out you’re banging women on the side when all this time you said you weren’t.
If you’re one of those higher-drama Alpha 1.0s who kinda like drama a little, then great. Lie to women all you like, and enjoy your distrust, arguments, sneaking around, drama, and bullshit. But, if your goal is, like mine, to live a life of long-term consistent happiness, that option is not going to work.
Option three is to refuse to answer the question, but be cleverly deceptive about it. So you put on your Oscar-worthy performance and say, “What? Me??? Why would you ever think that? I love you baby. Stop being silly!”
If you’re a good actor, she calms down and takes your word for it. Then you pat yourself on the back for not lying. Then you take her out to dinner and treat her like a monogamous girlfriend even though she isn’t.
True, you’re not technically lying, but you’re being deceptive as hell. And guess what? You’re in for the same amount of drama as the radical honesty guy above. The only difference is as she’s screaming at you, you’ll take the logical and moral high ground by stating that you never actually said you weren’t fucking other women. The problem is, that’s logic. Logic doesn’t work on women in romantic relationships, you dumbass. You start logically explaining objective realities to her and she throws a frying pan at your face. Her SP and ASD is far more powerful than your logic, and always will be.
It’s actually worse than that. Not only are you being deceptive, but you’re also being wildly incongruent, a topic I’ve talked about a lot here over the years and one men still screw up on. While avoiding answering the question, you’re taking her out on dates, seeing her more than once a week, spending money on her, texting her every day, and doing all kinds of things to her that say, “I’m your monogamous boyfriend.” You’re doing all of this while still having sex with other women. Bad, bad, bad. No wonder you’re in for drama. And when she gets pissed off at you, I’m going to agree with her.
Again, if you kinda like drama, then go for it. But if you want to be long-term happy, you need another option.
This brings us to option four. Under this option, you’ve been following all the open/poly relationship rules. You’ve been making her cum every time you have sex, you’ve only been seeing her once a week, you’ve been keeping the amount of contact between you very infrequent, you’re not spending money on her or taking her out on fancy dates, you’re not talking about the relationship in any way, you’ve maintained a strong Alpha (and not boyfriendish) frame, and on and on.
This usually means that, often unlike with the above three guys, when she asks you the question, she already knows the answer. That’s why she’s asking it.
Regardless, you don’t verbally answer the question, but do so in a way that’s not deceptive. Maybe you grin and say nothing. Or maybe you give a sarcastic answer like, “Oh hell yeah. I’ve got seven different girlfriends” or “Yeah, I just nailed a cheerleader this morning,” and put a big, silly smile on your face. Or maybe you say something like, “Heh. You’re so cute. So needy and concerned,” and then slap her ass or squeeze one of her boobs. Or maybe you give her a confused look, and ask, “What? Are we getting married now?”
Being a woman, her intuition is much more advanced than a man’s. She’s also accustomed to indirect communication which is her style, unlike the direct, masculine communication of a man. Even though you didn’t verbally answer the question, you did answer it. Your answer was, “Of course I’m having sex with other women, but I’m not talking about it.” She hears it loud and clear (unless she’s retarded or deranged).
She still may not like that answer, but you’re not answering the question, you’re not lying, and you’re not being deceptive. You’re also avoiding the shock to her SP and ASD, at least as much as possible. You aren’t (likely) going to get any drama about it, now or later. This will result in a long, low-drama, nonmonogamous relationship that will likely last many years (provided you don’t screw up).
Like with soft nexting, this is often hard for men to understand if they’ve never actually done it. I have used Option Four on countless women over many years. Once I got good at it, not once, and I mean this now, not once has a woman been shocked, surprised, angry, or given me drama when I said it, or later when I actually verbalized the nonmonogamy. It’s worked on women of all ages (18-19, 20s, 30s, and 40s), races, nationalities, and personality types. It’s not lying. It’s not being deceptive provided you do it correctly as I outline above.