Ohhhh baby. I’m in a playful mood today, so let’s some Fun With Feminists™.
Some feminist on Tumblr recently posted a huge list of criteria that a man must have in order to date her. She clearly stated that a man must have “at least 80% of given criteria for me to consider dating you.” This list has been referenced by several other blogs and YouTube videos already (referenced here and here as just two examples), but when I saw it, I just couldn’t resist.
Let’s see how I measure up to her criteria. I’m sure this woman is super attractive, very fun, really chill, and a real catch.
You cannot be a neo-Nazi, alt-right, white supremacist, Trump supporter, KKK member, anti-Islam, or anti-BLM.
I am none of those things, though I do agree with some of the political stances of the alt-right / alt-lite. I just wish they actually voted for people who did as well.
You must acknowledge your privilege.
Oh, I do Darling, I do. As I said here, I LOVE my privilege as a high income heterosexual white American man. It’s fucking great!
You must have friends that are LBGTQIA, black, Asian, Muslim, disabled, fat, or Latino.
One of my fuck buddies is a Latina, does that count?
You have to be an intersectional feminist.
Sorry, I’m not a feminist, intersectional or otherwise. And what the fuck does intersectional mean? Does that mean I’m a couch? Stop confusing me.
You must be an ally to all marginalized groups.
All of them? You just said I can’t be a neo-Nazi, and they’re a marginalized group. So you want me to be an ally with them too?
You cannot speak over me or gaslight me.
Shit. I guess I don’t get that one because I’m going to speak over you semi-regularly. Because you’re a woman, and women talk a lot. Speaking over people who ramble is required for effective discourse. Sorry.
If it makes you feel any better, I speak over a lot of men too.
No sexism allowed.
I am not sexist, as I explained fully here. However I’m sure I do and say a lot of things that you would consider sexist even though they aren’t, so I probably don’t get this one either.
You must be an ally to the fat acceptance movement and work in eliminating fatphobia.
Hmmmm. Interesting you bring this up. With all of these demands, I assumed you were a perfect LA ten. You’re starting to make me nervous now.
Anyway, fat acceptance is stupid and destructive, and I say this as an overweight man. Why would you want to actively encourage people to be unhealthy? I don’t get it.
You cannot in any way suggest that I change my looks or lose weight.
Oh, don’t worry. I won’t and never will. If you get too fat, I’ll just have sex with a skinnier girl. No prob, baby.
You are only allowed to look at sexy pictures of me, and only me.
So… how does this work, exactly? Let’s say I’m on the internet minding my own business when an ad pops up showing a sexy porn star. I “looked” at the picture, so am I in violation of this rule? What if I look at it, for like, three seconds before I closed it. Would that be okay? What if I walk by a billboard of Scarlett Johansson’s cleavage and I see it? How many nanoseconds are allowed before I avert my eyes? I just need some parameters here.
You must report to me weekly about your internet searches so I can make sure you’re not cheating on me.
But my browser doesn’t track my searches, just my history, so again I’m kinda stumped here.
And I’ll never cheat on you, Darling. Fuck other women, yes, but never cheat on you.
If you use incognito on any device, for any reason, I will dump you.
Soooooooo what if I’m trying to hide things from you that have nothing to do with cheating on you? Like when I try to hide some bitcoin transactions?
You must take me out to dinner once a week to show you care for me.
Sure. You’re paying half.
Activism is my job, so you will have to help pay for my funds. You must respect this and as such, pay for me when necessary.
Cool, what do I get in return? Do I get to have sex with some of your friends? I mean, what do I personally receive in benefit for this financial expense? (And if your answer is “you,” then you know what that makes you, right?)
You are not allowed to call me babe or honey. It’s creepy and rude.
You must be okay with having sex at least five times a week. I’m sex positive and I should not shamed for my sexuality.
Finally, something we agree on. No excuses about how sore your pussy is though. Some women love to brag they need sex three, four, five times a week, but when you actually give that to them (and I’m the man to do it, Kitten), they turn around and complain about sore pussies, so if you want me to fuck you five times a week, then okay, but you’d better be careful what you wish for.
You have to keep up with certain TV shows that I like.
Uhhhhh… well… if your TV shows are things like the Bloomberg channel then I guess that’s okay.
You must be a Star Wars and Harry Potter fan.
Harry Potter is for little kids, so you get a big fat no on that. I’m actually an adult that acts like an adult (most of the time anyway). I know that’s not like a lot of men today, but there you go. (See, Kitten? I can bash both feminists and Millennial MGTOW’s at the same time. It’s called “objectivity.”)
I was a Star Wars fan, but then this happened, so I’m not anymore. So I guess I don’t get this one.
You can have any body type. You can’t control how thin or fat you are, so I won’t judge you for it.
I can’t control how thin or fat I am? I must have not lost all that weight then. I must have been imagining that whole thing.
You must be open to certain kinks in the bedroom. It’s okay to not like them.
Cool! Does that include a threesome with your skinny 19 year-old sister? I’m down!
You must massage me three times per week.
As long as you massage my dick three times a week…
You must have a job. No pay requirements.
I have a business. Several of them. But no job. I haven’t had a job in like 25 years. Jobs are gay.
You have to drive me to protests and help me make signs and flyers.
Sure, my rate for on-site work is $225 per hour, and I bill bi-monthly.
You must be politically active and a democrat.
Political activism and voting no longer work, so I don’t do that anymore. (I don’t utilize systems that don’t work, you know, like political activism, monogamy, the 8-5 workday, going to college, etc.)
In terms of being a Democrat, they, like the Republicans, have destroyed my country, so I can’t say I support them either.
You must be politically correct at all times.
Fuck. I’m literally never politically correct, so I guess I’m out on that one too.
Absolutely no microaggressions.
Since people like you think that asking someone where they’re from or saying “God bless you” after someone sneezes is a microaggression, I guess I don’t get that one either.
I’m “able” to fuck you and your sister. Does that count?
Well, I have a black son. And there’s that Hispanic fuck buddy again. And I’ve had sex with just about every race of woman on the planet. Does any of that count?
You are not allowed to question how much I eat.
Ohhhhh shit. Houston, we have a problem. My fatty detector just redlined.
I think I’m going to have to see a recent full-body picture of you before we go out on our first date, Kitten.
You must acknowledge that all health is a social construct.
Oh yeah. Totally. You know, when my dad got cancer two years ago, I told him, “Hey man, don’t worry about it. Cancer is just a social construct. So just say no, dude. It will be fine.”
You must practice basic hygiene at all times.
I shower every morning and after every time I have sex, so that means I shower many, many times per week. Does that count?
You must be okay with what I choose to do with my body. My body, my choice.
I’m an Alpha Male 2.0, so you can do whatever you want with your body with no argument from me, ever. And I can put my dick into any woman I want, since it’s part of my body. My dick, my choice. I mean, certainly I’m allowed to have the same freedoms in our relationship as you do, right?
You must have interests in diverse and less problematic media.
Sure! Let’s sit down and have a cozy night watching Alex Jones. You’ll love it.
You cannot be a fan of problematic people.
Alex Jones? Cenk Uygur? How about both of those maniacs?
You must like Beyonce.
I like her ass. Does that count?
You cannot question how I spend money.
I will never question how you spend your own money that you earn yourself. That’s your money. And you can’t ever question how I spend mine, including when I refuse to buy you dinner. Sounds like a deal!
You are not allowed to play problematic video games such as GTA.
Okay, okay, what if, when I play GTA, I promise to only kill six hookers?
You must love me no matter what I do with my life.
Oh, Kitten, I love you already. You sound like the perfect woman. If only I lived in a society where more and more people were turning into people like you, and where people like you were the future of our society.